Writing to Dawn

As I sit here and write the night bites my mind takes flight to my brother, my past, the things of light I used to be so sure I was sure the world was a lure and I had the cure but now I'm unsure Age supposedly brings wisdom and questions and this here is my confession: I just don't know. That might be a low blow that blows because 18 year old me was ready to grow but growing is through pain and as the night starts to wane I see myself in the future holding a cane Will I become tame? Or like a lion, uncaged? These questions are haunting and where once I was flaunting, in reality I've been tried, judged, and been found wanting. The dawn is breaking, my fingers are shaking, the moon is waning And to the darkness the light is tainting. I'm less confident and so here I sit. Writing. Fighting. Delighting.

Rebirth, Renewal, Redemption

Moments ago I sat down to make a "Classic Christian" music playlist. I reached a certain song - Flood by Jars of Clay - and I was reminded of a post I wrote long ago. I made this post days after my brother Nate died in 2009. Jars of Clay resonated with me in a way few bands have during that time, and the post contains nothing more than pictures that I was using to relay where I was at emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. And I was stuck.

College has brought with it a host of things to wrestle with and questions to ask.

Am I good enough?
Do I fit in?
Can I succeed?
Will the future be bright?
Is God real?
Am I product of my environment growing up?
Is there a girl out there who is the One?
Is the Bible truth?
Do I have boundaries?

And I can tell you that most of those are unanswered. But as I sit here listening to a song that spoke to me years ago, I am reminded of the road I have traveled and the things I have learned along the way.

Recently I've developed an affinity towards the history of old, abandoned, broken buildings. Exploring them, researching them, taking pictures of them, sharing discoveries with others. Every building has a story as unique as the people that once walked its halls and slept in its rooms. There's something about them that reminds me of how fragile the world is. Titanics sink. Towers of Babel fall. There is a beginning and an end to everything. Seasons come, and seasons go.

The last year and half has been a season of doubt and insecurity. And that season, at long last, is coming to a close.

God is speaking into my life through his Word and my closest friends. I'm ready to step into the next season, and I'm ready to walk in His confidence and Love. I know now that this road is one not easily traveled. It's easy to mess up, get sidetracked, and do the wrong things. But I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am forgiven.

I'm not as quick to judge the church anymore. I'm not as quick to think that I am somehow spiritually superior to my brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is, I don't know much. And what I think I know, I question every day.

I've been stuck before. God was there then. God was there when Abraham messed up. He was there when David stumbled. He was there when man chose sin. He was there when Jesus hung on the cross. He's always been there, and He always will be.

A new season is upon me, and I'm so ready.

Colin

Christmas and a New Season

Merry Christmas!
Or day after Christmas, I suppose.

I really wanted to do some kind of Holiday post about good cheer, cookies, Santa, and presents. Every time I'd try to clear my thoughts and whip out my blogging device, however, I'd draw a blank. No accidents, I figured, and I let my dad hold down the blogging fort.

And now, Christmas has left the plate and New Years is up to bat.

I'm currently in the back of my parents Saturn Vue on the I-15 headed South to Salt Lake City, then on through Vegas. My dad and mom are talking in the front, and I've got my headphones, laptop, and Internet card in the back seat. Our ultimate destination is Palm Springs, California for some extended family visiting.
And I think I'm ready to write a bit about my mixed feelings this Holiday season.


This year has been painful, no doubt. I've written about it plenty before. Thanksgiving proved especially difficult, because, well, it's hard to to give thanks when there's not much to be thankful for. Then again, it really did put in perspective what I do have to be thankful for. You can read about that here.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, no doubt. I love everything that goes with it: decorating my family Christmas tree, setting up the little village on our chimney, putting up the lights with my dad, drinking my mom's delicious homemade egg nog, enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book by the fireplace, and most of all: Christmas morning. I love waking up to the presents, hugging my parents and whispering "Merry Christmas." The stockings are always opened first in my house: we each open our stocking at the same time, pausing every few gifts to look at each other's winnings. After stockings, my mom generally has some kind of small breakfast cooked up. This year it was cinnamon rolls, and man did they taste good with the coffee she brewed up. The presents came next, and because I'm the youngest, I got to hand them all out. This year my cousin Dannie came and opened presents with my family; she was an awesome addition. Every year I pass out a present to each person, and we take turns opening in some kind of orderly fashion. This particular year we did oldest to youngest. Every present is appreciated, and none are taken for granted. We hug each other and laugh plenty.

My family has traditions built around relationship and love.

And this year, one of the stockings remained hanging above the fireplace. Empty.

Papa, what are you doing?

My family made the decision this year, at the prompting of my sister, to remember my brother for who he was in his entirety. Now this may sound all fine and dandy to you, but you probably didn't know my brother. There is a lot of hurt in my family from things he said, things he did, and tension he caused. For my sister, the bad memories outweigh the good. For me, some of the earliest memories of my brother are of him lying, deceiving, and yelling at my parents. For my parents, they raised a fun-loving beautiful boy who turned into a drug-addict trouble producing man.
It's really easy to Saintify someone when they die. It's a lot harder to acknowledge who they were in their entirety.

But something that's hit home for me this year is that, in the grand scheme of things, what I DO really holds little worth. If I could DO my way into Heaven, there would have been no reason for Baby Jesus to make his manger appearance.
What I'm beginning to see now is that the coin has two sides.

How often do I find myself holding on to my actions as if they are what defines me? In reality, who I am in Christ is all that really holds weight.
For my brother, his actions would have sent him to Hell. Who he was in Christ made all the difference, eternally.


Looking over at that empty stocking on Christmas morning was not easy. Neither was sitting around the table saying a bad memory I had about my brother.
For all of his imperfections, and everything he DID that was awful, the person who he WAS, was amazing. And, as the case could certainly be made, the person he IS, is even more incredible.
Christmas was hard, but it was good.

And now, it's about time to celebrate the onset of 2010. For me, next year will hold all kinds of changes, not the least of which is the transition for High School to College. And something I've learned from this year is that no matter what I do, what happens to me, and what changes I go through, God is the same. Yesterday, today, and forever baby. He's where it's at: the Alpha and the Omega. He's Love, and He loves me. Insecurity and fear begone, Jesus dwells in my heart, life. Next year is going to be incredible not because of what I do, but who I am in Him.

I hope you had a fantastic Christmas, and that your New Year's Celebration is full of fun!

Colin

The calm after the storm

These last couple days were very, very relaxing. Movies were watched, conversations had, and processing took place.
A couple things I've realized and clarified through this grieving process:

• I process by talking. Going off and walking by myself may help me focus my thoughts, much like a dog chasing his tail is able to clearly see his tail. All the same, I run in circles. I find myself processing the most when I hold conversations with people and explain where I'm at.
• I'm an extrovert who needs time alone, or almost alone. What I mean is that I get energy from people (extrovert) but at the same time, I need time to clarify my position. This weekend helped me do that.

On top of all this stuff that's been going on, I got my wisdom teeth out on Monday. All four of them. And let me tell you, it hasn't helped me process. It has, however, taken my mind off of the emotional pain- even if momentarily.

There are no accidents. That is something I firmly believe.
I just finished reading a blog post from a friend of mine, a hero actually, and 'no accidents' came to my mind. Not so much because there is a reason for everything, although that may be the case, but because of who I know Jesus to be.
Jesus is the savior of the world, sent because man sinned. That's the squirrel answer. God created man perfectly, and when we screwed it up, he sent Jesus because-yeah- that's how much we mean to him. He loves me enough to carry me in his arms when I screw my life up and make bad decisions- or when things happen to me that are completely out of my control.
Jesus is the supreme and ultimate MacGyver, able to create something out of nothing, good from bad, and bring everything together. If life was a giant puzzle, Jesus would be the one putting all the pieces together. He's the one able to see how one decision can affect someone's entire life, and one event, such as death, can change a whole circle of people forever. And yet, somehow, among all the pain, adultry, pornogrophy, murder, suicide, drugs, and death He is able to love us. He is able to love me.

I don't understand. I don't see the 'no accident' in my big brother's death. There may be no answer to my asking 'why?'

So, I process.

Tomorrow I'm headed off for a weekend in McCall with my friends (yep, back to the mountains.) This time around, it'll be more to have fun and laugh. Much wanted, and much needed.

Grieving is painful.
Colin

The Night

Today felt like someone took a huge needle and shot me full of anesthetic.
The viewing took place today, and yet this whole situation still feels unreal.

Tomorrow is my brother's funeral.
I'm 16, and I'll be speaking at my 27 year old brother's funeral. It's not right.

As I sit here in my basement I can hear all our friends and relatives upstairs talking and laughing. My cousin Kale is sitting next to me playing guitar, and it's real. The people upstairs are real.
But this...this can't be real.

It's hard, yet today I've felt so numb. I know I shouldn't feel like I should be feeling any particular way, but nevertheless I feel as though how I'm feeling isn't right.
And yet sometimes I don't feel at all.

Convoluted.

And so tomorrow draws nearer. Only two hours now.

Thanks to everyone who flew or drove out, and to everyone who have been sending their prayers in their stead. All are appreciated.

Colin

One foot in front of the other

Been listening to a lot of Jars of Clay recently, specifically their album 'If I Left the Zoo.'

Fun day today, here are some highlights:

School was mostly uneventful. Good discussion in English, good prep in Math. It's hard to focus on those things when that's not where my hearts at right now though.

Got some new chucks (pictured right.)

Doin' a lot of processing and funeral stuff. I'm workin' on the piece I'm going to be saying at the funeral. It's hard. Hard, but good.

Family is awesome. I've been hanging out with aunts, my sister, parents, my grandma, and other family in everything but blood.

I've heard stories from old grandparent-types of them pulling up to their 50's sweetheart in beautiful cars. Today, I got to experience similar for myself! My friend, Michael Boerner, left the keys to his beautiful 1998 bright red Corvette to my dad for the week. Just hearing the engine is mouth watering.
My heart jumped when my dad threw me the keys so I could go pick up my girlfriend and drive her to a lacrosse game at Les Bois Junior High out in the middle of no where! We drove, we talked, and we got to the destination but couldn't find the game! Regardless, it was a great opportunity to take a walk in the sun and just be. Great memory.

Ended the night with a game of Apples to Apples, then did some work on an intense puzzle with Kona. She got 11 freakin' pieces, and I only got 6!

The sun shown through the inky darkness today.

Colin

A flood

	Jars of Clay- Flood

The last couple days in a few thousand words

Where I'm At

A roller coaster.

My time at home is spent mostly with family and friends of the family. My time with my friends is spent mostly doing things that keep my mind off of reality. I'm not saying either is bad or wrong; both just are. So now what? School? Work? Sports? Grief? Family?
These are the times I find hardest to be 100% real; yet when I am, they pay off the most in the long run.

So I am.

I expect this next week to be nothing short of a hurricane. Thanks again to all those prayer warriors out there, you have no clue what it means to me! Thanks specifically to my family for all of your support and encouragement. Also, thanks to the amazing Estes family for your words, ears, and hospitality. Your kindness has a ten-fold impact on my life. Finally (for now) a special thanks to my girlfriend Kona. You are truly amazing, and your communication with me has been so very helpful to me processing. :) You mean the world to me!

Pray for me and my family as the dips and climbs from this roller coaster continue into this week.

Colin

Outpouring

Why?

My heart it stops, the infection spreads,
My mind it jumps, the rope becomes threads,
My eyes become blurry, the world disappears,
All that is left is the pain and the tears,
Pain in a form, so clouded and raw,
My life becomes ice, my heart just won't thaw,
I know there's a love, undiluted and pure,
I know that I know, yet now I'm not sure,
Concrete becomes glass, and the glass starts to break,
The masks all come off, the tears cleanse the fake,
"This doesn't make sense!", the people all yell,
My heart is in pieces, this is earth, and I'm in hell,

So out of this blackness, this sea of emotion,
I reach out my hand, drowning in this ocean,
And then it get's grasped, and I know that I'm free,
Papa is there, and I'm on his knee,
And sitting there with me, look it's my brother!
We run and we greet, then we hug one another,
And I know Nate is safe, there's nothing to fear,
In fact it really sucks, that I have to be stuck here,

One life is passed, and yes I will mourn,
I will cry, I will scream, and I will be torn.

My brother is gone.
Those words alone are hard to fathom.
Thank you all so much for your continued prayer and support. It means so much to my family.

This journey my family is on is so hard.
The comfort I hold on to is that my brother is in chillin' with Papa in heaven. He now knows God in a more real way then I ever will here.

I love you, Nate

Colin

The Shadows Cross My Heart

I'm numb. Grieving. Unexplainable, inexpressible pain entered into my life and the life of my family yesterday morning.
My brother, Nate Mansfield, died.
I feel like this is some horrible dream that if I pinch myself hard enough, yell in my head loud enough, I will wake up, call him on the telephone, and hear his voice.
But reality sucks.
I will never hear my brothers voice again. His cackling laugh, his amazing smile.
It's all so hard to take in, to process.
And so I grieve. I don't have the energy to do anything else, nor do I want to.

Please pray for my family. Our rock is Jesus Christ, and our faith remains in Him. Like my dad said, this isn't the time where our faith gets tested, this is the time where our faith gets proven.

I love my brother so much and will miss him so incredibly.

Nate, I love you.

-Lue (Colin)

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