A couple things I've realized and clarified through this grieving process:
- I process by talking. Going off and walking by myself may help me focus my thoughts, much like a dog chasing his tail is able to clearly see his tail. All the same, I run in circles. I find myself processing the most when I hold conversations with people and explain where I'm at.
- I'm an extrovert who needs time alone, or almost alone. What I mean is that I get energy from people (extrovert) but at the same time, I need time to clarify my position. This weekend helped me do that.
There are no accidents. That is something I firmly believe.
I just finished reading a blog post from a friend of mine, a hero actually, and 'no accidents' came to my mind. Not so much because there is a reason for everything, although that may be the case, but because of who I know Jesus to be.
Jesus is the savior of the world, sent because man sinned. That's the squirrel answer. God created man perfectly, and when we screwed it up, he sent Jesus because-yeah- that's how much we mean to him. He loves me enough to carry me in his arms when I screw my life up and make bad decisions- or when things happen to me that are completely out of my control.
Jesus is the supreme and ultimate MacGyver, able to create something out of nothing, good from bad, and bring everything together. If life was a giant puzzle, Jesus would be the one putting all the pieces together. He's the one able to see how one decision can affect someone's entire life, and one event, such as death, can change a whole circle of people forever. And yet, somehow, among all the pain, adultry, pornogrophy, murder, suicide, drugs, and death He is able to love us. He is able to love me.
I don't understand. I don't see the 'no accident' in my big brother's death. There may be no answer to my asking 'why?'
So, I process.
Tomorrow I'm headed off for a weekend in McCall with my friends (yep, back to the mountains.) This time around, it'll be more to have fun and laugh. Much wanted, and much needed.
Grieving is painful.