Thursday, March 26, 2009

The calm after the storm

These last couple days were very, very relaxing. Movies were watched, conversations had, and processing took place.
A couple things I've realized and clarified through this grieving process:

  • I process by talking. Going off and walking by myself may help me focus my thoughts, much like a dog chasing his tail is able to clearly see his tail. All the same, I run in circles. I find myself processing the most when I hold conversations with people and explain where I'm at.
  • I'm an extrovert who needs time alone, or almost alone. What I mean is that I get energy from people (extrovert) but at the same time, I need time to clarify my position. This weekend helped me do that.
On top of all this stuff that's been going on, I got my wisdom teeth out on Monday. All four of them. And let me tell you, it hasn't helped me process. It has, however, taken my mind off of the emotional pain- even if momentarily.

There are no accidents. That is something I firmly believe.
I just finished reading a blog post from a friend of mine, a hero actually, and 'no accidents' came to my mind. Not so much because there is a reason for everything, although that may be the case, but because of who I know Jesus to be.
Jesus is the savior of the world, sent because man sinned. That's the squirrel answer. God created man perfectly, and when we screwed it up, he sent Jesus because-yeah- that's how much we mean to him. He loves me enough to carry me in his arms when I screw my life up and make bad decisions- or when things happen to me that are completely out of my control.
Jesus is the supreme and ultimate MacGyver, able to create something out of nothing, good from bad, and bring everything together. If life was a giant puzzle, Jesus would be the one putting all the pieces together. He's the one able to see how one decision can affect someone's entire life, and one event, such as death, can change a whole circle of people forever. And yet, somehow, among all the pain, adultry, pornogrophy, murder, suicide, drugs, and death He is able to love us. He is able to love me.

I don't understand. I don't see the 'no accident' in my big brother's death. There may be no answer to my asking 'why?'

So, I process.

Tomorrow I'm headed off for a weekend in McCall with my friends (yep, back to the mountains.) This time around, it'll be more to have fun and laugh. Much wanted, and much needed.

Grieving is painful.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Some friends graciously let my family use their cabin for a few days. My mom, dad, sister, nephew, and I are enjoying relaxing in snowy mccall. Check my twitter

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The music plays on

the music plays onYesterday night and today have been some of the most fun times I've ever had. My family so blesses me with their warm smiles and embraces.
Thanks to everyone who attended my brother's funeral yesterday. After that and the burial I really felt like a load was lifted off my chest. I still feel the pain often, like needles in my heart. However, I now also feel as though I can begin to move forward, whatever that means.
Today was spent sleeping in until 11:30, eating at Mongolian BBQ, going to see Gran Torino, playing games and laughing with family at my sister's house, and finally watching Meet the Parents on a projector screen with surround sound (yes, it makes the jokes funnier.)

I'm utterly blown away at the incredible support my family has recieved from people! Thank you all so much!!

Tomorrow means church and more family, both of which I look forward to. The incredible pain of the last week has shown me what it really means to trust God. I don't know a lot of things, but He does. Perhaps that's really what being a Ground Shaker means.
Pray for me as I move in to this next week- I get my wisdom teeth out on Monday! I look forward to watching many movies and smiling at my friends and girlfriend with chipmunk cheeks :)

And so, the music plays on

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Night

Today felt like someone took a huge needle and shot me full of anesthetic.
The viewing took place today, and yet this whole situation still feels unreal.

Tomorrow is my brother's funeral.
I'm 16, and I'll be speaking at my 27 year old brother's funeral. It's not right.

As I sit here in my basement I can hear all our friends and relatives upstairs talking and laughing. My cousin Kale is sitting next to me playing guitar, and it's real. The people upstairs are real.
But this...this can't be real.

It's hard, yet today I've felt so numb. I know I shouldn't feel like I should be feeling any particular way, but nevertheless I feel as though how I'm feeling isn't right.
And yet sometimes I don't feel at all.


And so tomorrow draws nearer. Only two hours now.

Thanks to everyone who flew or drove out, and to everyone who have been sending their prayers in their stead. All are appreciated.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

One foot in front of the other

Been listening to a lot of Jars of Clay recently, specifically their album 'If I Left the Zoo.'

Fun day today, here are some highlights:

School was mostly uneventful. Good discussion in English, good prep in Math. It's hard to focus on those things when that's not where my hearts at right now though.

Got some new chucks (pictured right.)

Doin' a lot of processing and funeral stuff. I'm workin' on the piece I'm going to be saying at the funeral. It's hard. Hard, but good.

Family is awesome. I've been hanging out with aunts, my sister, parents, my grandma, and other family in everything but blood.

I've heard stories from old grandparent-types of them pulling up to their 50's sweetheart in beautiful cars. Today, I got to experience similar for myself! My friend, Michael Boerner, left the keys to his beautiful 1998 bright red Corvette to my dad for the week. Just hearing the engine is mouth watering.
My heart jumped when my dad threw me the keys so I could go pick up my girlfriend and drive her to a lacrosse game at Les Bois Junior High out in the middle of no where! We drove, we talked, and we got to the destination but couldn't find the game! Regardless, it was a great opportunity to take a walk in the sun and just be. Great memory.

Ended the night with a game of Apples to Apples, then did some work on an intense puzzle with Kona. She got 11 freakin' pieces, and I only got 6!

The sun shown through the inky darkness today.


Monday, March 16, 2009

A flood

Jars of Clay- Flood

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The last couple days in a few thousand words

Where I'm At

A roller coaster.

My time at home is spent mostly with family and friends of the family. My time with my friends is spent mostly doing things that keep my mind off of reality. I'm not saying either is bad or wrong; both just are. So now what? School? Work? Sports? Grief? Family?
These are the times I find hardest to be 100% real; yet when I am, they pay off the most in the long run.

So I am.

I expect this next week to be nothing short of a hurricane. Thanks again to all those prayer warriors out there, you have no clue what it means to me! Thanks specifically to my family for all of your support and encouragement. Also, thanks to the amazing Estes family for your words, ears, and hospitality. Your kindness has a ten-fold impact on my life. Finally (for now) a special thanks to my girlfriend Kona. You are truly amazing, and your communication with me has been so very helpful to me processing. :) You mean the world to me!

Pray for me and my family as the dips and climbs from this roller coaster continue into this week.


Thursday, March 12, 2009



My heart it stops, the infection spreads,
My mind it jumps, the rope becomes threads,
My eyes become blurry, the world disappears,
All that is left is the pain and the tears,
Pain in a form, so clouded and raw,
My life becomes ice, my heart just won't thaw,
I know there's a love, undiluted and pure,
I know that I know, yet now I'm not sure,
Concrete becomes glass, and the glass starts to break,
The masks all come off, the tears cleanse the fake,
"This doesn't make sense!", the people all yell,
My heart is in pieces, this is earth, and I'm in hell,

So out of this blackness, this sea of emotion,
I reach out my hand, drowning in this ocean,
And then it get's grasped, and I know that I'm free,
Papa is there, and I'm on his knee,
And sitting there with me, look it's my brother!
We run and we greet, then we hug one another,
And I know Nate is safe, there's nothing to fear,
In fact it really sucks, that I have to be stuck here,

One life is passed, and yes I will mourn,
I will cry, I will scream, and I will be torn.

My brother is gone.
Those words alone are hard to fathom.
Thank you all so much for your continued prayer and support. It means so much to my family.

This journey my family is on is so hard.
The comfort I hold on to is that my brother is in chillin' with Papa in heaven. He now knows God in a more real way then I ever will here.

I love you, Nate


The Shadows Cross My Heart

I'm numb. Grieving. Unexplainable, inexpressible pain entered into my life and the life of my family yesterday morning.
My brother, Nate Mansfield, died.
I feel like this is some horrible dream that if I pinch myself hard enough, yell in my head loud enough, I will wake up, call him on the telephone, and hear his voice.
But reality sucks.
I will never hear my brothers voice again. His cackling laugh, his amazing smile.
It's all so hard to take in, to process.
And so I grieve. I don't have the energy to do anything else, nor do I want to.

Please pray for my family. Our rock is Jesus Christ, and our faith remains in Him. Like my dad said, this isn't the time where our faith gets tested, this is the time where our faith gets proven.

I love my brother so much and will miss him so incredibly.

Nate, I love you.

-Lue (Colin)

Click here for updates and memorial dates/times

Sunday, March 8, 2009


This last weekend I went up to Celebration Park to do some camping with my Boy Scout troop, Troop 61. Some of my best friends in the world have come from t61, so you can imagine that it was pretty much a blast up there. :-)
I've been thinking a lot about people lately. I find it fascinating how people's lives are a lot like lines in that they all seem to be going different directions. Adding to this analogy, the lines intersect at various points, and can even change each others directions with encouragement, mockery, sarcasm, help, etc.
The question I ask myself is this: how did my line affect the guy at Dutch Bros. earlier today? When I go to church, am I the line causing the other lines to skew?
When I'm around my friends, do I default to being a parallel line or do I stand up for myself and others?
Although these questions tend to trigger a "mental shut down" in me due to the cliche-ness, I still find myself wondering. If I could see "my line's" direction from 20,000 feet, would I be pleased at where it's headed? Would I regret where it's been?
At times I envy George Bailey.
Something I mentally acknowledged this weekend is how much my friends mean to me. I am so thankful that our lines are intersecting at this point in my life. I understand that we may not stay intersected for ever and ever, and yet I would not be the same person without them.

Here's a night, and it shines
And it calls us on and on
So be here by my side, and watch the stars
They're ours
Make a wish or just take charge
The moment comes get lost and go far
I think that we've got what it takes
To get this heart start beating again
So take it all the way.

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
So just let go and fall into it

We begin, breathe in
Here's our chance to go for something
So this is where we win, and take the game
No blame
There's a neon light inside that shines
And tearing down the walls in the way
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again
So take it all the way

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Deep inside we both know it
Everything's hanging on this moment
Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
So just let go and fall into it

It's cold inside, but deep in the night
The light is bright enough to send
The weakest ones to go for the ride in
Oh no you cannot fade away

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Whoa, whoa
So just let go and fall into it
Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Deep inside we both know it
Everything's hanging on this moment

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Every action makes a reaction
We'll figure it out and make it happen
Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
So just let go and fall into it

To me, this song (The Everglow, Mae) illustrates how we can get hurt playing this intersecting line game, this game of pick up sticks. Rather than becoming a recluse, however, if we align ourselves with Christ, make it so that we are intersecting with him always, we are so much more free; we live in the everglow.

The question I'm now asking myself is who and what am I intersecting with?


Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Humans are Dead

After a couple requests, and finally grabbing the time needed, I have decided to actually do a new post! Amazing, right?

Anyways, just to do a brief recap of my last couple weeks:
Ok, enough recap.
I'm in a humorous mood :) Because of that, this post will contain youtube videos I find entertaining. I hope you will too!

Perhaps later I'll do a "deeper" post :)