Hellbound? A thought provoking film and a missed opportunity.

A friend and former mentor during my time in Boy Scouts posted a link to a video on Facebook today that piqued my interest. When Pastor Rob Bell's book "Love Wins" came out in 2011 I did a fair amount of writing about it. Bell came under a lot of scrutiny for his book that asked hard questions about heaven, hell, the afterlife, and what that means for us on earth. The most outraged called him a heretic, and many began painting him as a universalist. This post isn't primarily about Bell, so I'll put him aside for a moment - it does give us a good launching point to discuss this film, however.

"Hellbound?" came out in 2012 and I completely missed it. I'm not sure how - though something tells me it had to do with my face being buried in Physics books during Yearling year at West Point. The film asks "Does hell exist? If so, who ends up there, and why? 'Hellbound?' is a provocative, feature-length documentary that will ensure you never look at hell the same way again!" After reading this brief description, I watched the trailer video.



If you're like me, this caught your attention. I couldn't help but dig up the full version - which didn't take long considering the film is now on Netflix. The movie clocks in at 84 minutes long, making it perfect for my after-lunch relaxation ritual. It explores exactly what it states - and I came away knowing a lot more about the various arguments about hell and was overall impressed with the quality. This could have easily been a one-sided argument slanted towards the director's personal convictions, but it wasn't.

Instead, "Hellbound?" starts with the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, complete with Westboro Baptist Church protestors. This powerful beginning led into an explanation about the "usual" Christian perspective (sometimes referred to as "conditionalism") on hell: if you die and don't accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you are judged by God and sent to eternal darkness and suffering. It then offers up brief explanations about "annihilationism" which is similar to conditionalism, but asserts that instead of eternal suffering, souls that do not believe in Christ will be annihilated and cease to exist. Sometimes torment is a part of being annihilated, sometimes not. The third, and final, perspective on hell that the film explores is universalism, which states that in the end, God's grace is bigger than sin: all will be forgiven, and all will spend eternity in paradise.

Roughly half of the film is spent on conditionalism, while the other half discusses universalism. In an interesting move, the director interviews theologians, authors, pastors, death-metal guitarists, and atheists in an effort to develop a holistic perspective about the debate, letting the interviewees, in a sense, debate each other without ever coming face to face. The audience is left to decide for themselves and no final word is given on which side presents the best argument. Questions are asked and explored, but never fully answered. After all, at the end of the day, we really don't know.

I enjoyed the film. It got me to think. It got me to explore some of my long-held beliefs about hell, while at the same time, it pricked me with questions that had been nagging at my brain for a long time. Questions like:

• If God is all loving and all powerful, why, then, does he not choose to save all of humanity? Is he unwilling?
• Why is the literal translation of "hell" in the Bible hotly disputed?
• Why are there scriptures that seem to back up each side of the debate?

I asked my mom and dad to watch the movie, and after their viewing my father and I discussed the merits and pitfalls of the film. I had come away feeling that the director was even-handed in his approach. My dad, on the other hand, felt like the first third of the movie was set up as a straw-man to be toppled in the final third. We did, however, agree on one major issue:

The movie did not adequately express the importance of a faith in Jesus. While the nature and very existence of hell was hotly discussed, nearly all of the people interviewed in the movie agreed that Jesus is the only way to heaven. This was almost taken for granted, and the director simply did not make it clear why. Additionally, the documentary was clearly targeted at a demographic: mine. That is, Christians. Part way through my viewing, I stopped and put myself in the shoes of a non-believer watching the film. Why would I even care? Christian lingo and phrases were tossed around with little explanation, and very little effort was made to cater to the most important potential audience: those that need to hear the message of Christ the most. This, I believe, was a huge missed opportunity on the part of the director. 

Personally, I think I lean more universalist than I do towards the the traditional notion of hell. But this isn't, necessarily, because I have been convinced either way. Rather, I'm a firm believer that Love covers a multitude of sins and that believing in Christ's unfailing love will always bring me back to the Cross; fear of hell, and fear in general, is not only a poor motivator to pursuing God, but it puts my heart in a place of self-focused negativeness that in no way aids my spiritual journey. I am a strong believer in ultimate Truth. I'm just not sure we'll ever know some aspects of that Truth until after our bodies are six feet under.

And ultimately, pursuing Christ and being that city on the hill is what I want in my life. These questions about heaven and hell are important, and worth pondering. Questions are good: they lead to self-discovery and can open new cognitive doors. But only Jesus leads to salvation.

Colin

Thorn in My Side

I've picked a path that's so fucking hard to take,
Sin is a habit, and like drugs it's easy to take but hard to break,
When the snake integrates itself with your soul, you're as easy to hunt as a foal.
Innocence gives way to a pessimist, like Adam and Eve my eyes are opened and my nakedness is exposed.
But God knows. And he proposed a different plan -
Ages before you or I were born, even before the first man was adorned with scorn.
When Jesus died, the current was torn and all the sin in the world: the rape, the hurt, the lies, the idols, the fake love, the porn,
doesn't even phase God's judgement on sin and the Love He's covered us with.

I've seen the depths of Gehenna and I've frolicked while wearing dark garments of death. I've tasted cheap love and traded the world for a moment.
And if even my best actions are "but filthy rags," what of my worst?

Paul speaks of a thorn in his side and I've tried to remove mine, time after time.
"Free me from my sin," I've prayed while feeling increasingly dismayed at the road I've paved. "I don't want to be a slave."
But Paul goes on, and in the most unprecedented way. God replies to him and goes on to say, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."
Maybe freedom from sin is where I got it wrong. Maybe my true freedom has been here all along.
God's grace IS all I need. I've already been freed.

Walking, Talking

Have you ever made a decision?
Have you ever chose to create an incision on your heart that was so focused it demanded a new start?
I've made many. Time and time again, as if a reboot of the soul would change my flesh and be good enough for a complete refresh.
Like when your computer freezes -
Off. Wait. On.
Treating it like on of those long sneezes.
But the things in life that demand a new beginning often have little to do with losing or winning.
A complete 180 is needed sure, but the desire for instantaneous change is like a lure and passes in a blur.
True dedication and rebirth mandate a daily choice to speak in an honest voice and to act according to that conviction.
The first step is a change in direction.
But every step after proves to you and to the watching eyes of the world that you're not simply waiting to be hurled back into what you've decided to abandon.
If what I truly want to land on is God's peace and His purpose for my life,
My conviction needs to weather the inevitable strife.
Walking this path will draw many laughs and scoffing, the air may become thick with unkowning, and I may find myself caughing.
But the best things in life are never instantaneous.
Washington, Roosevelt, Luther, Lincoln, Lee, Reagan:
They knew this kind of thinking is erroneous. 
Sometimes I have to "act as if" until it becomes true.
I have to play the part while my heart restarts and becomes accustomed to this new beat.
It may seem simple, but on the outside all tremendous feats do.
History is shaped by the few who choose momentary daily discomfort over a lifetime of abandoned dreams and security.
Reputation and ego has nothing to do with it
Becoming who I am meant to be and being free of the shackles of empty pleasures and draining desires of my flesh is the true goal.
It's a cleansing of my soul.
And it makes my ehart full.
It wakes me from the lull of everyday life.
So I choose to become a better version of myself.
I put the distractions on the shelf.
And I walk.
One foot in front of the other.
It's the wisdom of my father, mother, sister, and brother-in-law.
I remain flawed.
But seeking Christ fills those gaps and helps me avoid the deadly traps.
Walking, talking.
Thinking, dreaming.
Turning, learning.
Sleeping, waking.
Being, Praying.

Rebirth, Renewal, Redemption

Moments ago I sat down to make a "Classic Christian" music playlist. I reached a certain song - Flood by Jars of Clay - and I was reminded of a post I wrote long ago. I made this post days after my brother Nate died in 2009. Jars of Clay resonated with me in a way few bands have during that time, and the post contains nothing more than pictures that I was using to relay where I was at emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. And I was stuck.

College has brought with it a host of things to wrestle with and questions to ask.

Am I good enough?
Do I fit in?
Can I succeed?
Will the future be bright?
Is God real?
Am I product of my environment growing up?
Is there a girl out there who is the One?
Is the Bible truth?
Do I have boundaries?

And I can tell you that most of those are unanswered. But as I sit here listening to a song that spoke to me years ago, I am reminded of the road I have traveled and the things I have learned along the way.

Recently I've developed an affinity towards the history of old, abandoned, broken buildings. Exploring them, researching them, taking pictures of them, sharing discoveries with others. Every building has a story as unique as the people that once walked its halls and slept in its rooms. There's something about them that reminds me of how fragile the world is. Titanics sink. Towers of Babel fall. There is a beginning and an end to everything. Seasons come, and seasons go.

The last year and half has been a season of doubt and insecurity. And that season, at long last, is coming to a close.

God is speaking into my life through his Word and my closest friends. I'm ready to step into the next season, and I'm ready to walk in His confidence and Love. I know now that this road is one not easily traveled. It's easy to mess up, get sidetracked, and do the wrong things. But I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am forgiven.

I'm not as quick to judge the church anymore. I'm not as quick to think that I am somehow spiritually superior to my brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is, I don't know much. And what I think I know, I question every day.

I've been stuck before. God was there then. God was there when Abraham messed up. He was there when David stumbled. He was there when man chose sin. He was there when Jesus hung on the cross. He's always been there, and He always will be.

A new season is upon me, and I'm so ready.

Colin

Real Relationship in 2011: I'm not looking for an "effective way to become closer to God."

An out of context picture of the Hudson from West Point

I suppose a "Happy New Years" is in order! This is the first real post I've done since winter break due to the usual suspects (including but not limited to a school, laziness, and distractions).

I've never really been into the whole "New Years Resolutions" thing. This year something hit me though. I've never really made my relationship with God a priority in my life. By that I really mean my relationship with Him has been more passive than active.

In my experience, an important part of cultivating a relationship is quality time with that individual. How am I going to get to know someone well without specifically making the time to be with that person? That's part of my focus for this upcoming year: to be with Papa. I want to spend time hearing what He has to say, and reading His words. I don't want to force something to the point that I feel guilty if I'm not engaged. I talk to my girlfriend everyday, whether it be by text message, email, facebook, or phone, not because I feel like I have to in order to grow our relationship, but because I simply want to talk to her and hear how she's doing.

I'm not sure exactly what all this is going to look like. I do know that my heart is to Love Papa and accept his Love.

Example of something I'm not looking for.

I'm not looking for an "effective way to become closer to God." Because really, what does that mean? Is there really a prescribed way to develop any relationship, let alone one with the Almighty? Are there really seven things I need to do in order to feel God's love in a tangible way?

I'd love some advice. Do you do a daily devotional? What works for you? What doesn't work? Does what I have to say challenge you at all?

Colin

Thoughts on Sunday

When I think of Sunday, a few things come to mind.
First, naturally, church.
Second, hanging out with my family. Normally this is breakfast after church, talking over the week's events, and laughing alot.
Third, relaxing. A great Sunday, in my mind, consists of sweatpants, dinosaur slippers, a good book or laptop, and (in the colder months) a fire roaring nearby.

Isn't it interesting that the first thing that I think of is church? The American culture has almost sold church as a "must do." It's like, if you want to feel good the rest of the week, you should go to church. Get your god face on, sing a bit, space out, then head home to kick back and let the good times roll.
Obviously something is wrong with this picture.

Some would argue that church itself is the issue. Atheists may say that church attempts to copy that community which families naturally share together already. This artificial ecosystem, they might say, only breeds a gross copy of the original.
On the other side of the spectrum, Jesus-loving Christians might say that the real problem with church is that the building is often filled with fake, mask-wearing, judgmental people. For a church to work, they might say, people must realize that the church building isn't really the Church. Some might even say that church is entirely unnecessary for the Church to exist.

I'm being real here: I really am not 100% sure where I lie in this spectrum of opinion. I would love to say that I know where I stand, what I believe, and that I have the Bible verses to prove it. But I don't.
I'm in process.

What I know (or think I know):
I know I'm not an atheist. I know that many people find value in even the most dysfunctional of churches. I know there are people who feel closer to God in the most religious of buildings, and really can't focus with roaring guitars and a huge sanctuary with overhead screens. I'm close to people who have stepped away from "church" altogether, in order that they might embrace BEING the Church. I see value in that as well.

I know that I don't like feeling like I should go to church on Sunday. On the other hand, I know that the things I don't want to do can be those that produce the most value. I understand that obligation does not breed love, but I'm not sure if love can breed obligation. I know hierarchy is the natural human response to disorder, but I also know that the Holy Spirit can reveal herself like the most wild, disorderly thing there is. I also know I probably offended someone by calling the Holy Spirit a her.

What are your thoughts?

So much to think about, so little time to process.
Well, for now, I will enjoy my Sunday.

Here, have some Calvin and Hobbes:


Colin

Jesus, your name is power, breath, and living water

This morning I went to SYATP (See You At The Pole) at Capital High. It was awesome.
At the beginning there were about 15 or 20 of us students there.
The prayer started at 7:00am sharp and continued on through about 7:45. By the end of it, nearly 50 Christian students surrounded the flag pole. Although I didn't get any pictures during the prayer, check out these of the fellowship after:



It was so awesome to see students come together both in the Love of Christ, and in free speech, and to see life spoken over the school and the nation.

During the prayer time a song popped into my head. I began singing it to myself through the prayer time, until eventually I was walking out to my car singing it. As I got in my car and started the engine and the stereo came to life, I was blown away. The song playing on the radio was the very song I had been singing.
It goes like this:

	Gateway Worship - Revelation Song
	Found at skreemr.com

I was so blown away by this "coincidence" and it so hit me how involved God really is in my life, our lives.
He never ceases to show me His love. How can I even hope to try to display that to others? It's so awesome that He expects nothing, but rather just loves me. And so, I am free. I am free to pray in public, I am free to be a Christian no matter the circumstances, and I am free to love others by Christ's example.

Freedom is a beautiful thing.


Did you go to SYATP? What was your experience?
Colin

A Walk With a Fisherman

Listen to this, leave a comment with what you think.

Can Satan receive salvation?

My good friend and co-philosopher Justin "Gunther" Gaupp posed this question on facebook just to see what varying points of views exist, and in general what people think. Although the answer in no way matters, and there may never be a way to find out (in this life) Justin and I now pose the same question on my blog. Please, no yes/no answers. We really want to know what you think and why. Feel free to use multiple paragraphs :)

Can Satan receive salvation from his sin and return to be with God?

Although we know Satan will not be redeemed (Rev.) what is your opinion on the theoretical, hypothetical possibility?

A new day dawns

Everything is dark, silent. Mist and fog cover any source of illumination. Shadows fall on shadows, and all color is kept at bay. A breeze blows, and one is reminded of times when that same breeze wrapped and played with their hair on a spring day...but no more. Now this wind is frost biting and gnaws at exposed flesh. Forced to pull their layered coats and jackets closer to their body, one ponders how and why they got there. It's as though the darkness came on its own accord, uninvited, unexpected, unbelieved.
Then, something happens. The horizon sparkles, and some gray turns to orange. All of a sudden, mist is burned up, and fog melts away. A warm beam of light makes its way to the shivering body, while also in hot pursuit of that quickly fleeing icy breeze. Jackets are shed, flip flops are put on, and frowns are turned upside down. What is this welcome visitor that brings back the chirping of birds?

A new day.



In many ways I feel like this summer has in some way or another birthed a new day in my life. I'm not sure exactly how to form this feeling into words, but I'll do my best.
These last months have proven to be the hardest in my life. Grief and pain are not enemies to be underestimated. The deaths of my brother and my grandma sent me in a tailspin, one which I am still only barely coming out of.
I write today not to say that I am "back to normal" or that I've "dealt with everything." Rather, I write because I believe I have begun to change.

I'm ready for my senior year. I'm ready to make the most out of my last year in High School. But more then ready, I'm pumped. I feel like I'm on an edge, on a precipice, of something much much larger: and it excites me.
I also feel like the contrast of these last months of darkness and death, and this new chapter of my life is what makes me excited. I appreciate the light so much more after being in darkness.
Not to say I don't have my dark days, my dark times. Those are still frequent. But just glimpses of light are enough to make me excited, and it's great!

So, after a summer of West Point, Spain, France, Italy, and California, I'm so ready to appreciate the light of my senior year. Please pray with me as I go into this year locked and loaded.
What's next Papa?

Until then, I'm enjoying my last month of summer!

Colin

Questions on Church

This past week I've been with my aunt and her family in Buffalo, NY. They go to a quant Baptist Church, and when I first walked in the door on Sunday to attend service one thought went through my head:
"I'm not in Kansas anymore."
The service went about as expected. Sunday school was decently thought provoking, worship was less then engaging (hymns) and the overall message was pretty good. My post today has nothing to do with this church or the way it is run. Rather, I want to bring up the topic of denominations.

My observation of church denominations is that they don't work.

I think denominations are started by people who think of the church (building) rather then the church (people). This goes back to the whole issue of relationship. Is the goal of church to teach certain things, have a message, then go home to watch football? Actually, football may be closer to the actual purpose of church. I believe the purpose of church is to bring believers in Christ together as one body to worship Him, and to encourage each other. A "Sunday message" may or may not be ideal for this purpose, and the same for for worship and Sunday school, etc.

What if the "rules" of Church (denominations, common practice, tradition) simply don't work. Where would that leave us? What if what we call "church" is but a shadow of what God wants the Church to be?

What about you? What do you think?
Is church necesary? Is it mandated? Is it working?

Colin



-- Posted from my iPhone --

A conversation about love

So, what if I don't wanna be?

Well, that's only gonna make things harder later.

Well yeah but Do you always have to think about tomorrow? What about today: here, now, the present!

They're gonna suck even worse in anticipation of what the future holds.

What happened to smiling? Can't I just smile even though I feel like shouting?

Well you can, I just really don't think that's gonna work any better for ya. Smiling when you're happy is one thing, but keeping that smile past its welcome is quite another.

I know, I know. I know what I should do, have to do, want to do. Why is it I don't do it?

That's the question then, isn't it? That is the greatest question scientists and theologians have given huge amounts of thought into. The magnificint "why?"

Then what's the purpose? Jesus? God?

Love.

Love?

Love. We love because Christ first loved us.

My Christian mind gets it, my normal mind is fumbling.

And that's faith.



Faith so I can love and love so I can have faith.

Thoughts?
But I digress.

Colin



-- Posted from my iPhone --

Getting back on track: why I need Jesus

I received a very interesting response about my last post, both via comment and facebook. I believe the consensus was "ewwwe...that post was dark and hopeless."
Good.
One thing I've found useful about having this blog is that not only am I able to communicate where I'm at (in terms of life, thought process, physically, etc.) but I'm also able to communicate what I'm processing. The last post fits into the latter category.

So, partially as a rebuttal, and partially because I want to set the record straight, here's the other half of my thought process; the yin to yesterday's yang if you will.


Life with Jesus is a whole lot better than life without Jesus. (Mrs. Jones, that's my thesis statement for this post)
In my last post, if you look closely, I don't even mention God. I mention religion, but even that in a negative way. Here's what I'm getting at: without Jesus, without hope, without love (both of which He is) life is pointless. Without God the end all of man is to satisfy his hunger for sin: a hunger that ultimately leads to death.
My friend, Max Moser, wrote an interesting article for his school newspaper about just such a belief.

Now that last paragraph may have been incredibly easy for you to read. You may have already tackled this issue of right vs. wrong, good vs. bad in your own mind. The problem I face, is not distinguishing between the light and the dark, but rather living it out on a day-to-day moment-by-moment level. It's the whole issue of Romans 7 for me.
This, I fear, will take another whole post to discuss.


So, as much as my last post was a digression, so this post is getting back on track. I am firm in my belief in Jesus as my personal Savior. Sometimes, I just need to spill my guts about everything else going on in my head.

Colin

God is -- Part 2

This post is continued from Part 1: God is.

Today at school we had a follow up discussion of what was talked about last time regarding our views of God. We watched the same video to refresh our thought process. I made sure to make a mental note of the video's name this time around. Check it out.





Interesting, huh?

After re-watching the video, my devotions class had a discussion. Rather then specific people sharing their viewpoints and opinions on God (as was the case last time) the floor was kept open for anyone and everyone that wanted to share. Although few shared, both sides of the spectrum seemed to be represented with viewpoints.
The owners of these beliefs will be kept anonymous. The viewpoints are the point here, not the people.


On one hand, the belief was shared that God does what he does because it's best for us. If he needs to punish us, he will. If he needs to be there for us, he will. If he needs to love us, he will.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, the belief was put forth that to this particular person, the Trinity plays different roles in his life. This person sees Jesus like a buddy figure, or possibly a father. The Holy Spirit, he said, was more in the motherly role- caring for him, surrounding him with love. God, as he put it, was the encourager and the role-model. "The type of guy I would see in the stands at my baseball game cheering for me."

Granted, the way I just wrote those two different viewpoints was probably slanted. I am more inclined to the latter, and in fact I see the former as almost a jail or prison cell- lacking freedom of any kind. But to this person, the thought that God is an almighty "authority" was truth.
As my teacher put it today, view points on God have changed from generation to generation. My question in response to that, however, would be "but does that mean God has ever changed?"

What do you think?

Colin

God is

Two weeks after my brother's funeral, a few students, me included, were asked by my devotions teacher to "share who we think God is." Each took their turn saying how they've experienced God. Explanations ranged from The Great Healer to The Great Condemner.

While I was sitting there thinking, I realized that the way I view God is through the grid of the circumstances I've recently had hit me, the biggest of which is the death of my brother. I realized that who I see God as is very different now then it was two months ago.
Allow me to explain.

When it came my turn, I walked up to the front, and held the mic in front of me. As I stood there, I searched for some deep metaphor. None coming to mind, I grabbed the first thing that came into my mind. Having watched more than my fair share of action movies the week before (Spring break- I got my wisdom teeth out that monday) my thoughts automatically drifted to trench coats, slow motion bullets, angled sunglasses, and cookies.

How many of you have seen The Matrix?

Hands shot up

Remember the scene with The Oracle?

Nods
I see God as her. Neo walks in expecting some huge Staff-wielding All-knowing goddess and gets a black woman in a kitchen baking cookies.

I got some laughs, some blank stairs (turns out, some consider R ratings to actually be meant for 17 and older) I continued:

I think I see God differently because of where I'm at. Not that God has ever changed, he stays the same. I feel like I'm looking at a beautiful gem stone held stationary. As I move, I'm able to see different facets of that gem, how the light works through it differently, and how beautiful it truly is.

There the metaphor was

There's probably a better way to explain it, but that's all I got right now.

So there it was. God's a black cookie-baking woman.
Funny thing is, if you've read The Shack (a friend's review), this may not be far from how you now imagine God.


I've done loads and loads of sporadic processing these last weeks. I've experienced God in ways I never would have thought. Relationship means so much more to me now. I hug my friends and family harder, and say the word "love" more often. I hold my girlfriends hand with a sense of purpose, not because of some flimsy moment of emotion. When I hold conversations with people and they ask "So, how are you doing?" I answer honestly. Sometimes, I have to stop and asses, asking myself "how are you really doing, Colin?" I find myself being more real. Things like swearing, and wasting time have become less and less tempting. I find myself even thinking through friends I want to hang around more, and friends I should hang around less.
And I believe this is because of God.

1 John 4: 7-10 (message)

My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can't know him if you don't love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they've done to our relationship with God.

God is love. Not just 'God loves us' or 'God is similar to love' or 'God really likes love'. GOD IS LOVE.

Back to my earlier story:
After we each told our various 'views of God' my devotions teacher came back to the front. After showing a youtube video (I may put it on here eventually if I can find it) she shared who she thought God was. The things she shared made me angry.
She said God makes us stop things we are doing because he wants the best for us. She seemed to compare him to the Almighty Parent. She implied a God that uses strong correction because it 'builds character' or 'leaves us better off'. The image of God slapping my hand telling me 'NO!' came into my head. I shuddered.

Devotions that day sent me reeling. Something I didn't realize until after I was done venting was that this teacher was operating out of her own circumstances in her life. Her own pain, if you will. The way she saw God was a direct representation of where her life was at.
That got me thinking, isn't that how all of us are? Isn't that how I am? I see things through the grid of my pain.
And yet, God is love.

I've recently decided to re-read The Shack. I found it incredibly thought provoking and intriguing the first read around. This time, however, it's hitting my core. I find tears running down my face as I read the words. My soulstrings get tugged, and my vision blurs.
I am in process.

God is love. Because of that, everything he does is out of love. His love is so profound that he lets me choose what I wish to do. No expectations, and no forcing a choice. If I choose to turn my back on him, he loves me. If I choose to run to him, arms open, he loves me. Fear of God? No! Respect? Yes! But what is respect? Respect is a direct cause of love. I love you, therefor I respect you. It all comes back to love. And not the squishy, man-made, wannabe love: love in it's purest form. The type of love I can't begin to fathom.

I'm sure you'll start to notice slight changes in my posts. What I'm seeing in myself is a shift. God is changing me moment by moment, day by day. I believe the pain I've been experiencing plays largely into this shift, and I'm ok with that. Just as a precaution: you may not be ok with that. Some things I may say in posts to follow you may not agree with. If not, feel free to speak up. I'm ok with being challanged, so long as you can acknowledge my position. Realize that I am in process, as are you. The great thing is that iron truly can sharpen iron.

I love you Papa

Colin

The music plays on

Yesterday night and today have been some of the most fun times I've ever had. My family so blesses me with their warm smiles and embraces.
Thanks to everyone who attended my brother's funeral yesterday. After that and the burial I really felt like a load was lifted off my chest. I still feel the pain often, like needles in my heart. However, I now also feel as though I can begin to move forward, whatever that means.
Today was spent sleeping in until 11:30, eating at Mongolian BBQ, going to see Gran Torino, playing games and laughing with family at my sister's house, and finally watching Meet the Parents on a projector screen with surround sound (yes, it makes the jokes funnier.)

I'm utterly blown away at the incredible support my family has recieved from people! Thank you all so much!!

Tomorrow means church and more family, both of which I look forward to. The incredible pain of the last week has shown me what it really means to trust God. I don't know a lot of things, but He does. Perhaps that's really what being a Ground Shaker means.
Pray for me as I move in to this next week- I get my wisdom teeth out on Monday! I look forward to watching many movies and smiling at my friends and girlfriend with chipmunk cheeks :)

And so, the music plays on
Colin

Taking the Hit

Ever had something happen where, even if it was unintentional, it was your fault, and you had to fess up and accept the consequences?

I had something like that happen today, and honestly, it's been the first time in a long time where 1. it was completely my fault and 2. there was no getting out of it.


It all happened when I was closing up for work yesterday. I work at a coffee shop, and there's a list of things I always have to do before I can leave when I close. Most of it's cleaning: cleaning the espresso machine, wiping down the counters, cleaning up the grinders, etc. Normally I start the final process of cleaning about an hour to 45 min. before I actually walk out the door. Basically the context was this: I had cleaned up the entire espresso machine, which has several different parts which each have to be cleaned separately with special soap, and was about half way through my till count when a customer pulled up. I looked at my phone for the time. 10 'till close. Dang. I walked up to the window, unlocked it, and opened it to find that the guy in the car was one of our regulars who religiously comes through every day. Apparently he hadn't gotten the memo that today life revolved around me.



"Hey man! You missed it!" I said

"Missed what?" He replied, a little confused.

"I'm just closin' up. I got the espresso machine all clean, and I'm doin' the till count right now. Sorry man!"

"Oh ok...but hey it's still 10 'till"

"Yeah, but you know I need time to do the till count and get everything locked up and closed down."

"Oh. Ok. Well, see ya then."

"Yep see ya!"


Even as I write that I cringe at how much of an ass I was. Granted, I didn't mean to completely blow off a customer before we were even closed. I was just thinking about me. I had to leave, because I had homework, and I had stuff to do that didn't concern other people. Just me.

So I closed up, left, and finished off my night.


Fast forward to this morning at about 7:15. I get a text from my boss. "Hey Colin, I had a customer pull through this morning and said you didn't help him when it was still 10 minutes until closing time. Go ahead and give me a call later."

Ouch. Hand in the cookie jar.


I don't know if you know me that well, but even if you do I want to tell you all something about me. No matter how hard I try to cover it up, no matter how hard I try to make excuses to myself, if I do something wrong, and get called out for it, I feel REALLY bad. I don't just mean guilt. I mean, my heart sinks to my stomach, and I can't focus. I start thinking through everything that could happen, and how I wish I could time travel to slap myself in the face. I feel BAD.

I was going to postpone calling my boss to the latest possible time, but the sinking feeling wouldn't give. I decided the sooner the better. I'm not gonna lie, I even thought "this is gonna make a great blog piece." lol


So I called my boss. I explained my situation, and the context for what had occurred. He gave me a little shpeal about how it's one of his pet peeves and I really shouldn't have done that; the customer always comes first, and he doesn't care if it's 2:00 (the time we close) or 2:10; if a customer pulls through, you help them.

I stopped. I gulped. And I asked for his forgiveness. I was on the verge of tears.

This mere coffee incident brought forth in me such emotion that was completely unexpected! Almost crying, I said I was sorry that my heart had not at all been in the right place, and I asked my boss to forgive me. I think he was caught a little off guard, and even said "well thanks for fessing up."


This morning I did something that I think everyone should do at least once in their lives. I took the hit. I looked at what I had done square on in the face, and I accepted the consequences. It sounds like my boss wants to talk to me some more, and I'm sure there will be some fall out from my poor attitude. "You reap what you sow" comes to mind.

But I'm quite proud of myself. Not for what I did, heavens no. I'm ashamed of that. I'm proud for how I was able to take the hit, give God a quick prayer of thanks, and move on.

God doesn't simply change us. He gives us opportunities where we can choose whether or not we want to change and grow.


Colin

Holy Spirit, go clean your room!

I had an interesting discussion in lit class yesterday that i thought might be a good thing to throw on here. I'm not exactly sure how the discussion started, but I'm pretty sure it was pretty shallow. Seems like often deep conversations are bred by shallow ones Lol.
In any case, the question was asked 'does God have responsibilities?' I'm pretty sure that's one of those questions I'll only know the answer to when I'm dead, in heaven, and chillen with God. In any case, our lit class began to explore the topic. Does God have responsibilities?
The word 'responsibility' often makes me think of cleaning the bathroom, doing my homework, or in general doing something I'd rather pass up on. Maybe that has to do with my upbringing Lol. Naturally, to me, the
thought of God having responsibilities made me think of him vacuuming the living room of heaven. Or worse, having to watch earth. I really think it would suck to be God. Maybe that's because I'm human, and maybe that's why I'm human. In all honesty, I think it would suck to run a daycare, much less the entire earth. Then again maybe that's why God gave us free will, Lol. That way he can love us, but not have to control us.

Anyways, back to responsibility. My buddy Austin Townend brought up a good point in class. If God had responsibilities, it would mean there was someone, or something, greater than Him. I only have a responsibility when I submit to a principle, idea, or authority bigger than me. I choose to submit myself to that, so I feel responsible for it. God cannot be that way because He is God. He is the maker of the rules, and is outside of them. The only way God can be responsible is if He chooses to by making a promise/covenant. God always comes through on his promises because He holds Himself responsible for them. Pretty mind boggling stuff if you ask me.


While I'm in boggling-of-the-mind mode I'll throw something else out there.
Putting God in a box. I don't think there is any way to not put God in a box. Yeah, you can call me the antichrist and spam me with '666' comments, but only after you hear me out on this one.
When someone says "God can't be put in a box" what have they just done? They've put Him in a box! They just put God in the box of "no boxes!" So where does that leave us?
Well, I want to use an example to demonstrate my point.

Take infinity. If I were to explain the abstract concept of infinity to you, how would I do it? I could just say infinity goes on forever, but that concept is still difficult to fully grasp for a human mind based on the finite. What if I were to give you the example of numbers? Infinity is like counting. You give me any number, and I can tell you one above it (yeah, for the math geeks we could go into countably infinite and incountably infinite: but bear with me). This "number line" example would help a person grasp infinity. It doesn't explain infinity in it's entirety, but it gets the idea across. Basically, I put infinity in a box.
With God it's a little different, but I think the basic concept is the same. How could there be any possible way for us, as humans (finite, corruptible, and inherently sinful) to grasp the omnipresent and omnipotent deity, who is God, in his entirety? All through the Bible metaphors are used of God to describe him ("The Lord is my shepherd" from Psalm 23 for instance.) How is it different when we put God in a box?
I don't think it is, so long as we are not nailing our cute little "box Jesus" to the floor and telling Him to stay there. What I mean is that as long as I put God in a box simply to better understand Him, and not to define Him, it's fine. It may even be necessary. The second I say I can define who God is in his entirety is when I get in trouble. I will never fully understand God, and I'm cool with that. I think that's the way it's supposed to be :)

Realize that I am no Bible scholar, and some of my theology may be off. If you think so, please feel free to comment and let me in on my error.


Hope this post has made you think if nothing else!
Colin

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