Being impulsive is like gambling

Lately my life has been scattered. I have a bunch of unsorted papers sitting on my desk, my car is a mess, and I haven't been organized for months. Not only that, but the way my life is laid out has been scattered as well. I have never been the best planner, but I think it's been reaching an all-time high lately. The only reason I'm able to get by day-to-day is that I've also become quite adept at being reactive.

I don't like any of those things that I just said, and I desperately want to change them. And honestly, I have for quite some time but until now I haven't voiced it to myself openly.

Here's the deal: I'm an impulsive guy. I always have been. Once, in high school, when I was learning guitar, I got several other friends to come out to a corner fruit store with me and perform on the side of the road for hours. We weren't good, but damn was it fun. If I would've planned that out, it never would've happened and I wouldn't have that memory.

My impulsiveness isn't inherently bad, but I've come to the conclusion that lately it simply hasn't been working for me. I've started too many projects and am underperforming on most fronts. I'm a great prioritizer when I sit down and actually plan. But when I don't, as has been the case recently, I fall into an extremely reactive state where I meet problems as they come to me rather than dedicating time to solving them before they actually become a problem. Putting out fires, as they say. Reactive, rather than proactive.

And I get these harebrained ideas in my head that sometimes manifest themselves as new projects, and sometimes just kind of sit in my skull and stew for no reason. For example, yesterday I considered starting a paper about whether or not Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" impacted children of that generation to become rebellious towards school, and whether that has influenced education policy as a whole over the years. And I even started researching that - for no reason whatsoever. It seemed interesting, and I impulsively latched on for about an hour.

I've come to the conclusion that with me, being impulsive is a lot like gambling. The ironic thing is that I'm actually a fairly good gambler, but I'm terrible when it comes to being impulsive. I've never had a gambling problem, I go in with a set amount and spend only that, and I go in expecting to lose everything that I'm willing to gamble with. Smart gambling 101.

For me, being impulsive is like going to the roulette table and putting $100 on a specific number. There's a very very slight chance that I'll win big, but most times I just walk away one Benjamin poorer. My impulsiveness often leads me down meaningless bunny trails like my brief foray into the politics behind Pink Floyd, but sometimes opens really cool new doors. Like last month I started a new consulting business where I help individuals and companies with social media training and questions. It's been working out well, and I've been learning a lot about consulting and what businesses need.

But if I'm honest with myself, 90% of the time if not more my impulsiveness lands me at a dead end. What I need to do is harness this impulsive behavior and be better about how I use it, kinda like I do with gambling.

When I have an apparent epiphany moment where I simply must start a new project, perhaps the better thing to do would be to give it 24 hours and sit on it. Process it a bit, toss it around with friends, or do some very light research. If the feeling passes in 24 hours, it's certainly not worth going for. After that, I could set a goal about what I want to do with this new idea. I could go in to this bet with a set amount of money, all of which I'm willing to lose if it doesn't work out - so to speak.

But at that point I'm not being very impulsive, am I? Maybe that's okay. Maybe what I need is less gambling in my day-to-day life, and a bit more control over where my time and energy is being spent.

Colin

Hellbound? A thought provoking film and a missed opportunity.

A friend and former mentor during my time in Boy Scouts posted a link to a video on Facebook today that piqued my interest. When Pastor Rob Bell's book "Love Wins" came out in 2011 I did a fair amount of writing about it. Bell came under a lot of scrutiny for his book that asked hard questions about heaven, hell, the afterlife, and what that means for us on earth. The most outraged called him a heretic, and many began painting him as a universalist. This post isn't primarily about Bell, so I'll put him aside for a moment - it does give us a good launching point to discuss this film, however.

"Hellbound?" came out in 2012 and I completely missed it. I'm not sure how - though something tells me it had to do with my face being buried in Physics books during Yearling year at West Point. The film asks "Does hell exist? If so, who ends up there, and why? 'Hellbound?' is a provocative, feature-length documentary that will ensure you never look at hell the same way again!" After reading this brief description, I watched the trailer video.



If you're like me, this caught your attention. I couldn't help but dig up the full version - which didn't take long considering the film is now on Netflix. The movie clocks in at 84 minutes long, making it perfect for my after-lunch relaxation ritual. It explores exactly what it states - and I came away knowing a lot more about the various arguments about hell and was overall impressed with the quality. This could have easily been a one-sided argument slanted towards the director's personal convictions, but it wasn't.

Instead, "Hellbound?" starts with the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, complete with Westboro Baptist Church protestors. This powerful beginning led into an explanation about the "usual" Christian perspective (sometimes referred to as "conditionalism") on hell: if you die and don't accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you are judged by God and sent to eternal darkness and suffering. It then offers up brief explanations about "annihilationism" which is similar to conditionalism, but asserts that instead of eternal suffering, souls that do not believe in Christ will be annihilated and cease to exist. Sometimes torment is a part of being annihilated, sometimes not. The third, and final, perspective on hell that the film explores is universalism, which states that in the end, God's grace is bigger than sin: all will be forgiven, and all will spend eternity in paradise.

Roughly half of the film is spent on conditionalism, while the other half discusses universalism. In an interesting move, the director interviews theologians, authors, pastors, death-metal guitarists, and atheists in an effort to develop a holistic perspective about the debate, letting the interviewees, in a sense, debate each other without ever coming face to face. The audience is left to decide for themselves and no final word is given on which side presents the best argument. Questions are asked and explored, but never fully answered. After all, at the end of the day, we really don't know.

I enjoyed the film. It got me to think. It got me to explore some of my long-held beliefs about hell, while at the same time, it pricked me with questions that had been nagging at my brain for a long time. Questions like:

• If God is all loving and all powerful, why, then, does he not choose to save all of humanity? Is he unwilling?
• Why is the literal translation of "hell" in the Bible hotly disputed?
• Why are there scriptures that seem to back up each side of the debate?

I asked my mom and dad to watch the movie, and after their viewing my father and I discussed the merits and pitfalls of the film. I had come away feeling that the director was even-handed in his approach. My dad, on the other hand, felt like the first third of the movie was set up as a straw-man to be toppled in the final third. We did, however, agree on one major issue:

The movie did not adequately express the importance of a faith in Jesus. While the nature and very existence of hell was hotly discussed, nearly all of the people interviewed in the movie agreed that Jesus is the only way to heaven. This was almost taken for granted, and the director simply did not make it clear why. Additionally, the documentary was clearly targeted at a demographic: mine. That is, Christians. Part way through my viewing, I stopped and put myself in the shoes of a non-believer watching the film. Why would I even care? Christian lingo and phrases were tossed around with little explanation, and very little effort was made to cater to the most important potential audience: those that need to hear the message of Christ the most. This, I believe, was a huge missed opportunity on the part of the director. 

Personally, I think I lean more universalist than I do towards the the traditional notion of hell. But this isn't, necessarily, because I have been convinced either way. Rather, I'm a firm believer that Love covers a multitude of sins and that believing in Christ's unfailing love will always bring me back to the Cross; fear of hell, and fear in general, is not only a poor motivator to pursuing God, but it puts my heart in a place of self-focused negativeness that in no way aids my spiritual journey. I am a strong believer in ultimate Truth. I'm just not sure we'll ever know some aspects of that Truth until after our bodies are six feet under.

And ultimately, pursuing Christ and being that city on the hill is what I want in my life. These questions about heaven and hell are important, and worth pondering. Questions are good: they lead to self-discovery and can open new cognitive doors. But only Jesus leads to salvation.

Colin

Thorn in My Side

I've picked a path that's so fucking hard to take,
Sin is a habit, and like drugs it's easy to take but hard to break,
When the snake integrates itself with your soul, you're as easy to hunt as a foal.
Innocence gives way to a pessimist, like Adam and Eve my eyes are opened and my nakedness is exposed.
But God knows. And he proposed a different plan -
Ages before you or I were born, even before the first man was adorned with scorn.
When Jesus died, the current was torn and all the sin in the world: the rape, the hurt, the lies, the idols, the fake love, the porn,
doesn't even phase God's judgement on sin and the Love He's covered us with.

I've seen the depths of Gehenna and I've frolicked while wearing dark garments of death. I've tasted cheap love and traded the world for a moment.
And if even my best actions are "but filthy rags," what of my worst?

Paul speaks of a thorn in his side and I've tried to remove mine, time after time.
"Free me from my sin," I've prayed while feeling increasingly dismayed at the road I've paved. "I don't want to be a slave."
But Paul goes on, and in the most unprecedented way. God replies to him and goes on to say, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."
Maybe freedom from sin is where I got it wrong. Maybe my true freedom has been here all along.
God's grace IS all I need. I've already been freed.

Rebirth, Renewal, Redemption

Moments ago I sat down to make a "Classic Christian" music playlist. I reached a certain song - Flood by Jars of Clay - and I was reminded of a post I wrote long ago. I made this post days after my brother Nate died in 2009. Jars of Clay resonated with me in a way few bands have during that time, and the post contains nothing more than pictures that I was using to relay where I was at emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. And I was stuck.

College has brought with it a host of things to wrestle with and questions to ask.

Am I good enough?
Do I fit in?
Can I succeed?
Will the future be bright?
Is God real?
Am I product of my environment growing up?
Is there a girl out there who is the One?
Is the Bible truth?
Do I have boundaries?

And I can tell you that most of those are unanswered. But as I sit here listening to a song that spoke to me years ago, I am reminded of the road I have traveled and the things I have learned along the way.

Recently I've developed an affinity towards the history of old, abandoned, broken buildings. Exploring them, researching them, taking pictures of them, sharing discoveries with others. Every building has a story as unique as the people that once walked its halls and slept in its rooms. There's something about them that reminds me of how fragile the world is. Titanics sink. Towers of Babel fall. There is a beginning and an end to everything. Seasons come, and seasons go.

The last year and half has been a season of doubt and insecurity. And that season, at long last, is coming to a close.

God is speaking into my life through his Word and my closest friends. I'm ready to step into the next season, and I'm ready to walk in His confidence and Love. I know now that this road is one not easily traveled. It's easy to mess up, get sidetracked, and do the wrong things. But I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am forgiven.

I'm not as quick to judge the church anymore. I'm not as quick to think that I am somehow spiritually superior to my brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is, I don't know much. And what I think I know, I question every day.

I've been stuck before. God was there then. God was there when Abraham messed up. He was there when David stumbled. He was there when man chose sin. He was there when Jesus hung on the cross. He's always been there, and He always will be.

A new season is upon me, and I'm so ready.

Colin

Real Relationship in 2011: I'm not looking for an "effective way to become closer to God."

An out of context picture of the Hudson from West Point

I suppose a "Happy New Years" is in order! This is the first real post I've done since winter break due to the usual suspects (including but not limited to a school, laziness, and distractions).

I've never really been into the whole "New Years Resolutions" thing. This year something hit me though. I've never really made my relationship with God a priority in my life. By that I really mean my relationship with Him has been more passive than active.

In my experience, an important part of cultivating a relationship is quality time with that individual. How am I going to get to know someone well without specifically making the time to be with that person? That's part of my focus for this upcoming year: to be with Papa. I want to spend time hearing what He has to say, and reading His words. I don't want to force something to the point that I feel guilty if I'm not engaged. I talk to my girlfriend everyday, whether it be by text message, email, facebook, or phone, not because I feel like I have to in order to grow our relationship, but because I simply want to talk to her and hear how she's doing.

I'm not sure exactly what all this is going to look like. I do know that my heart is to Love Papa and accept his Love.

Example of something I'm not looking for.

I'm not looking for an "effective way to become closer to God." Because really, what does that mean? Is there really a prescribed way to develop any relationship, let alone one with the Almighty? Are there really seven things I need to do in order to feel God's love in a tangible way?

I'd love some advice. Do you do a daily devotional? What works for you? What doesn't work? Does what I have to say challenge you at all?

Colin

Boxed Creativity

Poetry has always been something I love. I don't consider myself a poet by any means, but I enjoy allowing my emotions and thoughts to overflow into something poetic from time to time.

Today in my English/Composition class my teacher gave us a preview of next semester's English class: Literature. He brought four or five poems having to do with warfare, many written by soldiers. He chose a person from the class to read each poem, and then prompted our entire class to analyze each poem.

There are few things I hate more than analyzing poetry.

It's not that I hate poetry; as I said I enjoy writing some myself. When I analyze a poem I feel like I am applying my own emotions and experiences to someone else's work, then assuming their meaning. I hate this because I know that when I write, I don't do it so that "the intended meaning" can be extracted by the reader. Primarily, I do it to express myself. Secondarily, I do it so that others can find their own meaning in my poem.

In a school setting, I don't see how grading poems is fair.

My teacher went on to tell us that a great writer will write poetry that is able to be torn apart and analyzed; true poetry has something the author is getting at and it takes the reader pulling back the layers to fully grasp this point.

This bothers me. Poetry is an art, is it not? As are music and painting, correct? Do we strip apart the musician's song and try to "understand what they're getting at?" Perhaps some do. I find so much more value in letting the song speak to me where I'm at. Many songs have impacted me strictly based on my current circumstances and situation. I believe the exact same thing can be said of art expressed through painting, drawing, or sculpting.

So why is poetry so different?

When walls are put around creativity, it ceases to exist. All that remains is monotonous gibberish written or molded to fit someone's expectations.

I'm not exactly sure why this had such an impact on me, but it did. I grew furious in class as my teacher showed us how to break poetry down line by line. Why?

Maybe I felt my creativity die a little bit.

Colin

Isn't it more than enough that He is in control?

As I went to shave, I changed the blade in my razor this morning.

It's been easy for me to get down, to fall into a sort of hole or depression. I miss home a lot. More than that: I miss how things were. And the hardest thing about all of this change is coming to the realization that things will never again be how they were.

This homesickness/past-sickness was beginning to breed in me a constant state of unrest, of stress. I was stressed about school, sports, duties...most everything actually.

"Wouldn't us getting stressed out kind of be like telling God we don't trust him? I think that if we truly understood the heart of God, we would have no need to be stressed out because isn't it more than enough that He is in control? Philippians 4:6-7 ' Do not worry about anything. Instead pray about everything and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Jesus Christ.'"

My amazing girlfriend sent this to me a couple weeks ago. I've been thinking about it a lot. Today I went to read my Bible, and without even making the connection, I read the book of Philippians. When I went back to re-read Kona's message to me, I realized that it too was out of Philippians. Papa is telling me something.

I changed the blade in my razor this morning, and as I did it I changed my attitude. I choose to no longer feel stressed, because I know that God is in control. I choose to no longer be in a constant state of sickness, whether it be about the past or home, because I know that Papa has it handled.

And that is a freeing feeling.

Colin

Questions

I'm tired of people pretending like they have all of the answers.

Is it so unfathomable to think that there are things happening around us that we have no clue about? Even more than a "scene above the ceiling" - a whole Kingdom around us that many refuse to recognize?

This trip to Israel was so awesome. I'm glad I was able to journal via blogging; it really helped me process while traveling, and I'm glad to hear it proved interesting to others as well. The things I speak of in this post are only a fraction of what I've been thinking about.

Something this year has taught me, and something that really hit home for me on this trip, is the power of questions.

I've really come to a place of peace about not having to always know the answer to something. I can accept that many times things are simply out of my control - that no matter how much I plan and map a decision out, there are things are at work that I have no clue about. I can accept that Papa's will for me is to live loved, and that He will take care of the rest.

This last year has forced many questions through my mind. I've heard it said that when you question something that is in the Bible, oftentimes the answer to that question produces only more questions. I've seen firsthand the affects questions can have on someone who is trying to haggle for an item from a Jewish shopkeeper.

There's something about questions, whether answerable or unanswerable. People are uncomfortable with too many of them, as they can pry a man's heart from his chest if asked correctly.

I've come under fire from a few people, both online and in the real world, when I've written or talked about author's such as Rob Bell and William Young. Why? I'm really not sure. There's something about people that ask questions, and look at things with a different set of glasses on. In some strange way, it scares people. They tack labels like "Emergent Church" and then call for unity. What? Please, for the sake of us all, I would ask those people to look for a plank before removing the speck.

Even God challenges people with Questions.

Job 38

Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me."

God goes on to question Job for four chapters. At the end of the questioning and challenging, Job replies:

Job 42

Then Job replied to the Lord:

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears have heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Whoa. That's powerful.

I'm never going to stop asking questions. I understand that the nature of asking "why?" is to come back with the answer "I don't know."

And I'm ok with that.

Because I really don't need to know everything.

Like getting to know a friend, girlfriend, or relative, I accept that there are things about the nature of God and this world He's created that I may never know. But just as with those people, that won't stop me from continuously seeking a relationship and asking the hard questions.

Colin

The Great Romance

So God created us in His image, and He is love.

We are created in the image of Love.

God created us for relationship; with Him first, then with each other.

How does this romance work?

Men naturally will defend women, without thinking.

In the Bible, we are likened to the bride, and Christ to the bridegroom seeking after his bride.

Just as men will naturally protect and care for women, God will naturally protect and care for us.

And with danger looming, how much more?

What would happen if everything we look at: the trees, our jobs, board meetings, donuts, our spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend, related to this Great Romance?

Not like all connected, but all depending.

What would happen if we're not just affected by God's Love, but we depend on It?

The closer we draw to Him, into the arms of our Papa, the further we get from darkness, hurt, fear, and pain.

Papa, draw me close.

Colin

Trying

Sometimes I want to write,
my brain it stops, tries to fight,
poetry simply won't come out,
So I sit and look into the night.

Sometimes I try to be witty,
To be honest, it's pretty shitty,
The jokes simply aren't clever,
Like 'what's a small cat?' It's a kitty.

Once, I tried to be strong,
It wasn't right, actually quite wrong,
I was weaker then when I started,
But my ego was twice as long,

I've tried to become smarter,
Focusing on that makes it harder,
I ended up giving up,
Totally made me feel like an unholy martyr.

Every now and again, I try to be hip,
I end up looking like Kip.
Yeah, from Napoleon Dynamite,
So I took that bud, and gave it a quick nip.

So many things I've tried to do,
In the end, they're all doo-doo,
Trying, trying, never being,
Being me. Just being Lue.


So often I find myself "trying" to be better, to do things that somehow will increase my worth as a person. Stopping and simply being gives me a refresher that it really doesn't matter what I do, especially what I 'try' to do; it really just matters who I am.

And I am a peaceful, free, and stupendous man.
Hey, that kind of rhymed :)
Colin

Saturday, 9, and The Beatles

	The Rocket Summer - Saturday
	Found at skreemr.com

Ahhhhh, the beauty of a Saturday. Yesterday, I was plagued by school, homework, and upcoming tests. But today, today is Saturday. The past is the past and the future is the future. Right now, however, it's Saturday. :D

Last night I hit up a Bless the Martyr show in Meridian. It was a fun show, and afterwords I went out with the band (they're all friends of mine) to Taco Bell. That's all fine and dandy, but by the time I got back it was close to 1:15am. That, combined with my having to get up every morning for either school or work at 5:45 left me absolutely and completely exhausted.

Which brings us to today. Saturday :) I slept in until noon, and woke with ideas in my head and a saying in my heart. "Carpe Diem." So, that's exactly what I decided to do.
After meeting up with a couple of my friends, Austin and Collin, we headed off to the Downtown Edwards to catch an afternoon showing of Shane Acker / TimBurton's 9.

9 was a fine movie, not great, but not awful. I found myself appreciating the CGI and animation more then anything else (the plot included.) If your expecting to see some kind of cartoon action/adventure movie, think again. 9 showed exactly what can be done when writers, actors, and special effect wizards (mainly the latter) put their minds together. 9 was no Nightmare Before Christmas, nor was it any kind of animated Wanted. It was a very pretty fireworks show. Once the fireworks ended, I was glad I had seen it, but also glad I had only paid matinee prices combined with a student discount (BODO Edwards FTW).

And now, after returning from 9, I find myself on my living room couch listening to The Beatles Love album. If you haven't listened to it yet, go buy it.

Could this Saturday get any better? Oh yeah, I've got my sisters birthday party and I get to see my girlfriend tonight!

How's your Saturday going?
Colin

Israel

Israel is near and dear to my heart for two reasons: first off I am a Christian. Whether you believe that the Church has taken Israel's place as God's chosen people, or that Israel remains the chosen ones to this day, Israel's place in the Bible is one of significant weight. They are the one's God originally chose as his people. They are the ones we make our Christian movies about, they are the source of our bumper stickers and our car Ichthys', and they are the reason felt graphs even exist. They are the same people today that lived, ate, drank, and slept in the Promise Land, and they are the same ones who helped crucify, and stand by, Jesus Christ. They've gone through near extinction, living without a nation to call home, and then the one-day-birth of that nation in 1948. Whether you like it or not, Israel has always been a big deal.

The second reason I have a special place in my heart for Israel is because I've been there- twice. I've walked the streets of Jerusalem, woke up to the beautiful sight of the Sea of Galilee, and floated in the buoyant waters of the Dead Sea. I've talked with, haggled with, sat with, and even ate with Jews and Muslims alike (my favorite dish is a falafel with unleavened bread and humus). I've been to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, The Garden Tomb, The Church of the Holy Nativity, and the location where the Last Supper is believed to have been held. I say all these things not to brag, but merely to establish context of where I'm coming from.


As of late Israel has been shed in different light. Depending on your political and social views, you probably hold a different opinion from the guy sitting next to you. Simply watching twitter and facebook during Netanyahu's recent speech showed me how varying opinions are. Some are calling it an act of "peace" and others that of "defiance." I'm of the former opinion, because I believe Netanyahu's terms are decent, and his heart is in the right place. Israel has fought long and hard to not have constant pressure from enemies. Imagine if Canada and Mexico were both sworn enemies of the US, and wanted to invade and take over our land, kill our civilians, and destroy our way of life. That's scratching the surface of what Israel has had to go through since it was birthed as a nation. It's no wonder the IDF is one of the greatest fighting forces in the world.


But what about you? What do you believe? And not just what, but why?

Colin

On the road Part 2

Alot has happened since my last post. I've covered much of it on twitter (http://twitter.com/ColinMansfield) also, my dad has blogged from his heart during this entire trip (http://DennisMansfield.com)

The biggest epiphany for me on this section of my and my family's journey was revealed through what I talked about as I wrote on my blog on the way to California: being.
I found it incredibly easy to just sit back, relax, and yes, cry with my family as we mourned this unbelievable loss.

That's the coolest thing: family! Living away from my relatives has given me a somewhat warped sense of what family is. These last couple months, seeing more family then I've seen in years, however, has really shown me what family means.

Now, Im headed to SLC to connect up with my friend Justin and his dad to see Mae live. Looking forward to a great time after such tragedy and emotion.

Track my journey on twitter, if you're interested.
Thanks for all your prayer, support, and love during this crazy and hard time!

Colin

-- Posted from my iPhone --

On the road

Doing alot of thinking as my dad, Mark Smit and I make our way to So Cal. Mark Smit is my brother's beat friend, and he spoke at the funeral. It's hard to believe my family has to do this all over again.

I was asked to speak at my Grandma's service on thurs. morning, and I know it's going to be difficult. I'm not sure what I'm gonna say, or how I'm gonna say it, but I trust the words will come.

Something I've been thinking about lately is just BEING. I've written about this concept before, but it has never been so real to me as it is now.
I don't consider myself a control freak, but it's very interesting how I automatically freak out as soon as all control is taken away. What I mean is that I'm fine with change, so long as nothing hugely unexpected happens.
And let me tell you, these last two month have been HUGELY unexpected. So how do I react? Well, as I see it, I have essentially two options. I can (1) get angry, reserved, introspective, and frustrated at life and God, or I can (2) BE. Realize that I truly have no idea what's going on, but live in the knowledge that He does. The latter, although much better sounding, is a million times harder realistically speaking. It's one thing to say it, quite another to BE in it.

But I believe the first step is that one word; that two letter, one syllable, multiple meaning word that is overused but hardly ever "acted" upon.

BE

Colin

-- Posted from my iPhone --

Getting back on track: why I need Jesus

I received a very interesting response about my last post, both via comment and facebook. I believe the consensus was "ewwwe...that post was dark and hopeless."
Good.
One thing I've found useful about having this blog is that not only am I able to communicate where I'm at (in terms of life, thought process, physically, etc.) but I'm also able to communicate what I'm processing. The last post fits into the latter category.

So, partially as a rebuttal, and partially because I want to set the record straight, here's the other half of my thought process; the yin to yesterday's yang if you will.


Life with Jesus is a whole lot better than life without Jesus. (Mrs. Jones, that's my thesis statement for this post)
In my last post, if you look closely, I don't even mention God. I mention religion, but even that in a negative way. Here's what I'm getting at: without Jesus, without hope, without love (both of which He is) life is pointless. Without God the end all of man is to satisfy his hunger for sin: a hunger that ultimately leads to death.
My friend, Max Moser, wrote an interesting article for his school newspaper about just such a belief.

Now that last paragraph may have been incredibly easy for you to read. You may have already tackled this issue of right vs. wrong, good vs. bad in your own mind. The problem I face, is not distinguishing between the light and the dark, but rather living it out on a day-to-day moment-by-moment level. It's the whole issue of Romans 7 for me.
This, I fear, will take another whole post to discuss.


So, as much as my last post was a digression, so this post is getting back on track. I am firm in my belief in Jesus as my personal Savior. Sometimes, I just need to spill my guts about everything else going on in my head.

Colin

Easter through my eyes

Easter has always been a special day for me. For as long as I can remember my family has dyed eggs, done Easter Egg Hunts, Easter Baskets, eaten deviled eggs. Also, for as long as I can remember, my family has participated in Church Easter functions. These have included, but aren't limited to: Sunrise Service at the Tomb, pancake breakfasts, and playing parts in Church Easter productions.

Something I've come to realize is that I appreciate both aspects of Easter: the "church" aspect, and the "bunny" aspect. Mind you, I'm not placing a giant rodent over the Savior of the World by any means, I'm simply saying that both hold a near and dear place in my heart. I've found Easter to be one of the easiest times for me to connect with Papa, and I've found it one of the most enjoyable ways to connect with family (and my sweet tooth.)
Point being: I love Easter. Recently, God's been showing me how these two "aspects" of Easter actually are one-in-the same. As I mentioned in my last post, Jesus is all about relationship.

Below are pictures from past Easters that I have enjoyed. Also, feel free to follow my day on twitter; I'll be recording my thoughts about Easter Sunday on there all day.

Have an awesome day full of laughter, friends, family, and relationship!

He is Risen!
Colin
P.S. Check out my dad's blog for his thoughts on Easter.

REFLECTIONS

Intersections

This last weekend I went up to Celebration Park to do some camping with my Boy Scout troop, Troop 61. Some of my best friends in the world have come from t61, so you can imagine that it was pretty much a blast up there. :-)
I've been thinking a lot about people lately. I find it fascinating how people's lives are a lot like lines in that they all seem to be going different directions. Adding to this analogy, the lines intersect at various points, and can even change each others directions with encouragement, mockery, sarcasm, help, etc.
The question I ask myself is this: how did my line affect the guy at Dutch Bros. earlier today? When I go to church, am I the line causing the other lines to skew?
When I'm around my friends, do I default to being a parallel line or do I stand up for myself and others?
Although these questions tend to trigger a "mental shut down" in me due to the cliche-ness, I still find myself wondering. If I could see "my line's" direction from 20,000 feet, would I be pleased at where it's headed? Would I regret where it's been?
At times I envy George Bailey.
Something I mentally acknowledged this weekend is how much my friends mean to me. I am so thankful that our lines are intersecting at this point in my life. I understand that we may not stay intersected for ever and ever, and yet I would not be the same person without them.

Here's a night, and it shines
And it calls us on and on
So be here by my side, and watch the stars
They're ours
Make a wish or just take charge
The moment comes get lost and go far
I think that we've got what it takes
To get this heart start beating again
So take it all the way.

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
So just let go and fall into it

We begin, breathe in
Here's our chance to go for something
So this is where we win, and take the game
No blame
There's a neon light inside that shines
And tearing down the walls in the way
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again
So take it all the way

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Deep inside we both know it
Everything's hanging on this moment
Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
So just let go and fall into it

It's cold inside, but deep in the night
The light is bright enough to send
The weakest ones to go for the ride in
Oh no you cannot fade away

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Whoa, whoa
So just let go and fall into it
Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Deep inside we both know it
Everything's hanging on this moment

Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
Every action makes a reaction
We'll figure it out and make it happen
Whoa, whoa
And our hearts are on The Everglow
So just let go and fall into it

To me, this song (The Everglow, Mae) illustrates how we can get hurt playing this intersecting line game, this game of pick up sticks. Rather than becoming a recluse, however, if we align ourselves with Christ, make it so that we are intersecting with him always, we are so much more free; we live in the everglow.

The question I'm now asking myself is who and what am I intersecting with?

Colin

The Rays of Sun Blasting the Inversion of my Heart

As my good friend David Wheeler put it: "Blogging begets more blogging, and not blogging begets more not blogging." And so it has been for me.
Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to blog, I simply "haven't had the time."
Bull.
Short explanation: I've been processing life and growing in God.
Long explanation:

My heart has been yearning to change, in nearly every way.
Ever since I found my purpose (however rough it may still be) and started this blog, my heart has been seeking change. Spiritual, emotional, and habitual change.
Ground Shaking. Interesting statement, seeing as how it both has to do with being, and with doing.
I believe that as a Christian, that is being a temple for the Holy Spirit, everywhere I go brings Christ. What I mean is that I may be in the most hostile environment, and God can still work through me no prob. Just my being there can change the entire situation for the better. Not because of me, mind you, but because of Jesus. I believe that my purpose, being a Ground Shaker for Christ, ties directly into this belief.
That's the being side of things. I know who I am: I am a peaceful, free, and stupendous man who's mission is to influence, restore, and improvise honor and wisdom in myself and others, and I do this through being a Ground Shaker for Christ.
So what about the doing? I think that as a Christian, and more specifically as a Ground Shaker, it is my responsibility, nay, my honor, to influence those around me through the way I purposefully act, lead, show respect, and even joke.
I think one without the other is futile, and I also think that in order to do, I must first be. Pretty deep huh?

So how does this relate back to anything?
Like I said, my heart has been yearning for change. I had felt like a corked bottle of champagne; I had all this stuff I wanted to share, but wasn't sure how uncork myself, much less pour myself out. Putting it in Focus terms (for those of you that care) I felt like I had all this medicine to give away to some village across a river, yet no way of getting it there.

Then winter camp happened.
As I say that I cringe. I've built up some kind of wall when it comes to winter camp experiences. In the past, I've experienced winter camp as an awesome place to get close to God. Sadly, when I return from such an awesome trip, I've found that realty hits me like a brick, and I once again grow distant from Him. At least that's been my experience up until this year.

Lots of cool stuff happened at winter camp (see previous post), but bottom line was this: I asked God to free me up; to uncork me. Somewhat expectedly, somewhat unexpectedly, He did. It was as simple as that. One moment I was worshipping with anchors on my heart, the next I wasn't. I was hesitant at first that this freedom would be a temporary fix. What I've found, however, is that God's freedom is permanent. He is always true to me, I just have to accept it.

That was stage one: freedom. Stage two came just recently.
I have an amazing friend by the name of Austin Townend. There's singularly no other human being who can make me laugh as much, as hard, and as often as him (with the possible exception of my father.) We've had fun times together, and he even made me a merch/myspace editor of his Hardcore band, Bless the Martyr!
Every once in a while him and I will have an intense conversation; a heart-to-heart if you will. Such was the case Saturday night/Sunday morning (we talked well into the 4am margin.)
I won't tell you everything that we talked about, mostly because it would be incredibly out of context and would take many, many other posts for you to fully get where we are coming from.
I will tell you, however, how this plays into The Rays of Sun that Blasted the Inversion of my Heart (thought that would make a good title due to the weather in Boise lately!)

Warning: I'm not going to pull any punches.

We talked about the state of the Church, specifically that of Vineyard Boise (my current home church, his old one. He now attends the Meridian Vineyard.)
Firstly, we both agreed that the people at the Vineyard (assume I'm talking about the Vineyard Boise) are awesome. I immensely love everyone who is on leadership, and hold no grudges; have no withholds.
We also agreed how there seems to be a spirit of some kind of fear or holding back. From what we've seen lately, people are able to grow to a certain extent, then can grow no more. I personally am not sure if this is directly due to the leadership, or simply the spirit of the congregation as a whole. Regardless, I feel it.
I've seen this spirit not only manifest itself in the main service, but also in the youth church, and even in VCHSC (the elementary through high school that I attend.)

I mean a couple things by a "spirit of fear or holding back." Firstly, I don't see people ON FIRE for Christ. People raise their hand in worship, yes, but how exactly are they uplifting the church? I see people apply for programs, and volunteer for events, but even in that I see no FIRE. I see works. And I know that works without faith, faith in Christ, are dead.
As James 2:19-20 puts it (Message):

"19-20Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but
then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something
wonderful? That's just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them? Use
your heads! Do you suppose for a minute that you can cut faith and works in two
and not end up with a corpse on your hands?"

Basically I see evidence of spiritual deadness creeping into my church. Whatever the cause of this deadness, the cure is simple enough to guess. Jesus.

Maybe you can see where this is going, and maybe not. In any case, God convicted me that I haven't been helpful. I had even become a part of this spiritual deadness. The acting, the charade to conceal the heart which is deceitful and desperately wicked.

Be that as it may, God has given me freedom. Because of this freedom, and the knowledge and understanding God has given to me in the past few weeks in regards to my church, along with the understanding that God wants to draw us, his bride, closer and closer to him, I have decided to let God use me. I'm not 100% sure how that's going to look yet. I do know, however, that if God's desire is to put this church on FIRE for Him, which I know it is, he could do it using me. I believe his desire is to do it using me. I also know that the answer is not for me to leave the church. Church leaving can often be a bitter, sour experience. I believe God has put me where I am for a reason, and that reason is not to ditch out on what he can use me for.

Based on this, I am beginning an adventure the likes of which I have never even heard of. My goal: to set the Vineyard Boise back on FIRE for God.

Like I said, I'm not 100% sure what it'll look like yet, but I'm ready, willing, and able.

Please do keep me in your prayers as I endeavour to Shake some serious Ground. If God has to drop me from an airplane so I can make a big enough quake, so be it. All I know is that I want the Holy Spirit to have his way.

I think that about covers it! Those are my thoughts, my convictions, and my next actions. Please feel free to comment if you have feedback for me or about anything that I've said; I want to hear from people!

Also, check out my podcasts (link on the sidebar.)!

Have a great week everyone!

Colin