Writing to Dawn

As I sit here and write the night bites my mind takes flight to my brother, my past, the things of light I used to be so sure I was sure the world was a lure and I had the cure but now I'm unsure Age supposedly brings wisdom and questions and this here is my confession: I just don't know. That might be a low blow that blows because 18 year old me was ready to grow but growing is through pain and as the night starts to wane I see myself in the future holding a cane Will I become tame? Or like a lion, uncaged? These questions are haunting and where once I was flaunting, in reality I've been tried, judged, and been found wanting. The dawn is breaking, my fingers are shaking, the moon is waning And to the darkness the light is tainting. I'm less confident and so here I sit. Writing. Fighting. Delighting.

Rebirth, Renewal, Redemption

Moments ago I sat down to make a "Classic Christian" music playlist. I reached a certain song - Flood by Jars of Clay - and I was reminded of a post I wrote long ago. I made this post days after my brother Nate died in 2009. Jars of Clay resonated with me in a way few bands have during that time, and the post contains nothing more than pictures that I was using to relay where I was at emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. And I was stuck.

College has brought with it a host of things to wrestle with and questions to ask.

Am I good enough?
Do I fit in?
Can I succeed?
Will the future be bright?
Is God real?
Am I product of my environment growing up?
Is there a girl out there who is the One?
Is the Bible truth?
Do I have boundaries?

And I can tell you that most of those are unanswered. But as I sit here listening to a song that spoke to me years ago, I am reminded of the road I have traveled and the things I have learned along the way.

Recently I've developed an affinity towards the history of old, abandoned, broken buildings. Exploring them, researching them, taking pictures of them, sharing discoveries with others. Every building has a story as unique as the people that once walked its halls and slept in its rooms. There's something about them that reminds me of how fragile the world is. Titanics sink. Towers of Babel fall. There is a beginning and an end to everything. Seasons come, and seasons go.

The last year and half has been a season of doubt and insecurity. And that season, at long last, is coming to a close.

God is speaking into my life through his Word and my closest friends. I'm ready to step into the next season, and I'm ready to walk in His confidence and Love. I know now that this road is one not easily traveled. It's easy to mess up, get sidetracked, and do the wrong things. But I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am forgiven.

I'm not as quick to judge the church anymore. I'm not as quick to think that I am somehow spiritually superior to my brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is, I don't know much. And what I think I know, I question every day.

I've been stuck before. God was there then. God was there when Abraham messed up. He was there when David stumbled. He was there when man chose sin. He was there when Jesus hung on the cross. He's always been there, and He always will be.

A new season is upon me, and I'm so ready.

Colin

Christmas and a New Season

Merry Christmas!
Or day after Christmas, I suppose.

I really wanted to do some kind of Holiday post about good cheer, cookies, Santa, and presents. Every time I'd try to clear my thoughts and whip out my blogging device, however, I'd draw a blank. No accidents, I figured, and I let my dad hold down the blogging fort.

And now, Christmas has left the plate and New Years is up to bat.

I'm currently in the back of my parents Saturn Vue on the I-15 headed South to Salt Lake City, then on through Vegas. My dad and mom are talking in the front, and I've got my headphones, laptop, and Internet card in the back seat. Our ultimate destination is Palm Springs, California for some extended family visiting.
And I think I'm ready to write a bit about my mixed feelings this Holiday season.


This year has been painful, no doubt. I've written about it plenty before. Thanksgiving proved especially difficult, because, well, it's hard to to give thanks when there's not much to be thankful for. Then again, it really did put in perspective what I do have to be thankful for. You can read about that here.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, no doubt. I love everything that goes with it: decorating my family Christmas tree, setting up the little village on our chimney, putting up the lights with my dad, drinking my mom's delicious homemade egg nog, enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book by the fireplace, and most of all: Christmas morning. I love waking up to the presents, hugging my parents and whispering "Merry Christmas." The stockings are always opened first in my house: we each open our stocking at the same time, pausing every few gifts to look at each other's winnings. After stockings, my mom generally has some kind of small breakfast cooked up. This year it was cinnamon rolls, and man did they taste good with the coffee she brewed up. The presents came next, and because I'm the youngest, I got to hand them all out. This year my cousin Dannie came and opened presents with my family; she was an awesome addition. Every year I pass out a present to each person, and we take turns opening in some kind of orderly fashion. This particular year we did oldest to youngest. Every present is appreciated, and none are taken for granted. We hug each other and laugh plenty.

My family has traditions built around relationship and love.

And this year, one of the stockings remained hanging above the fireplace. Empty.

Papa, what are you doing?

My family made the decision this year, at the prompting of my sister, to remember my brother for who he was in his entirety. Now this may sound all fine and dandy to you, but you probably didn't know my brother. There is a lot of hurt in my family from things he said, things he did, and tension he caused. For my sister, the bad memories outweigh the good. For me, some of the earliest memories of my brother are of him lying, deceiving, and yelling at my parents. For my parents, they raised a fun-loving beautiful boy who turned into a drug-addict trouble producing man.
It's really easy to Saintify someone when they die. It's a lot harder to acknowledge who they were in their entirety.

But something that's hit home for me this year is that, in the grand scheme of things, what I DO really holds little worth. If I could DO my way into Heaven, there would have been no reason for Baby Jesus to make his manger appearance.
What I'm beginning to see now is that the coin has two sides.

How often do I find myself holding on to my actions as if they are what defines me? In reality, who I am in Christ is all that really holds weight.
For my brother, his actions would have sent him to Hell. Who he was in Christ made all the difference, eternally.


Looking over at that empty stocking on Christmas morning was not easy. Neither was sitting around the table saying a bad memory I had about my brother.
For all of his imperfections, and everything he DID that was awful, the person who he WAS, was amazing. And, as the case could certainly be made, the person he IS, is even more incredible.
Christmas was hard, but it was good.

And now, it's about time to celebrate the onset of 2010. For me, next year will hold all kinds of changes, not the least of which is the transition for High School to College. And something I've learned from this year is that no matter what I do, what happens to me, and what changes I go through, God is the same. Yesterday, today, and forever baby. He's where it's at: the Alpha and the Omega. He's Love, and He loves me. Insecurity and fear begone, Jesus dwells in my heart, life. Next year is going to be incredible not because of what I do, but who I am in Him.

I hope you had a fantastic Christmas, and that your New Year's Celebration is full of fun!

Colin

Alone

The Great Romance

So God created us in His image, and He is love.

We are created in the image of Love.

God created us for relationship; with Him first, then with each other.

How does this romance work?

Men naturally will defend women, without thinking.

In the Bible, we are likened to the bride, and Christ to the bridegroom seeking after his bride.

Just as men will naturally protect and care for women, God will naturally protect and care for us.

And with danger looming, how much more?

What would happen if everything we look at: the trees, our jobs, board meetings, donuts, our spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend, related to this Great Romance?

Not like all connected, but all depending.

What would happen if we're not just affected by God's Love, but we depend on It?

The closer we draw to Him, into the arms of our Papa, the further we get from darkness, hurt, fear, and pain.

Papa, draw me close.

Colin

Rescuing the Damsel in Distress

What has become of my generation?

Guys treating ladies like trash, girls showing themselves off like trophies to be won. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I take one class at a public high school. Walking down the halls on any given day, I'm astounded at what I see. Gentleman! What kind of monsters have we become? Ladies! Where did the innocence go? The insecurity flows like an ocean tide, filling up the entire building until all that is left and felt is a current of emotions, chief of which is lust.

Oh man! My heart just weeps! So many girls without fathers, without someone who has actually loved them in their life. Looking for a guy to fill them up and make them feel wanted. A guy to just hold them and accept them for who they are. A guy to hold their hand, loan them their sweatshirt, kiss them on the nose. These girls, looking for a love to just BE with them instead get-

Guys! You make me ashamed to walk in the midst of a crowd of females at a school. Where did the expectations of being a "tough guy" come from? Where did the arrogance and fake self-assurance come from? You think you're so cool? You think you're so tough? Try being a gentleman, even for a second. You go to parties, drink, do drugs-all just to show off how cool you are. Try taking the harder road for even one day!

Honestly, I'm pretty disgusted at this whole Twilight thing. It's not the books that kill me. It's not the storyline or the characters or the premise. I get the whole vampire thing. I even get making that in to a romantic story. Here's what I don't get: WHY DOES OUR SOCIETY INSIST ON FOCUSING ON INSECURITY? Can't you see? Don't you understand? Are you so blinded?

JESUS LOVES YOU!!!

Girl's, you don't need to be filled with a guy. You don't need a boyfriend. You need Papa's love. And He is so here to give it to you.

Guys, you don't need to filled up by chicks, porn, or partying. Papa loves you the way He made you: a warrior and lover for Him.


We are the Damsel in Distress, and God is our rescuer. We are the bride, and He is the Bridegroom. God loves us, cares for us, seeks us, woos us, fights for us, defends us. He is here for us in EVERY fashion and in EVERY conceivable way.

I'm speaking to my generation.
Papa loves us so much. He hugs us in His warmth and joy, and has created us to love each other. Why do you resist such great love? Why do you try to find this love in the wrong way? It's all right here, right in front of us.
God is rescuing us, the Damsel.

But then again, who am I to talk? Who am I to judge? I'm just as sick as the rest of my generation- hypocritical, distracted, and seeking the Love of the Creator. Jesus, would you heal my heart?

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Let those words of the Psalmist ring true in my life.

Papa! Hear the cry of my heart! Don't you see what my generation is going through? Don't you see the broken households, the unloved, the depressed? Lord, save us. But, even more importantly, Love us; for what is salvation without Your Love?


A groan from the heart of Colin

We interrupt this silence to bring you a brief blog post...

I've found time to steal away from school and work to kick back and do a late-night blog post! And there was great rejoicing! (yaaaayyy...)

Many thoughts have been running through my head as of late. Chief of these are about God, love, life, and meaning. I could do a million posts about each of those subjects, and if I were to tweet those posts and get a dollar for ever tweet, I'd have enough money to pay off our national debt! See how I snuck a political statement into that? Yeah, it just happened.

Anyways, an interesting story that sticks out to me actually happened today at dinner. Normally I eat with my family at the dinner table (my mom is an amazing cook so that also normally works out to my benefit.) Today, however, my parents were out at a thank-you dinner event. I was stuck at home due to homework, but at about 6:00 my stomach told me homework could wait- it was time for food.
So where does a 17 year old guy go to eat dinner alone? Apparently Panda Express. After getting my three entree plate of Kung Pao Chicken, Orange Chicken, (both are staples of Panda for me) the new Sweet Fire Chicken Breast, as well as a Dr. Pepper to compliment, I grabbed a seat in Panda's roomy yet post-dinner-rush-empty front dining room. And I ate.
It's been some time since I've eaten alone. In fact, after thinking about it, I can probably count all the alone-eating I've done in my life on one hand. As I sat there eating, I actually got bored. I entertained myself by people watching, but this too grew old over the course of my meal. So I turned inside myself and pondered this new development: eating alone. I realized it was talking I was missing; the stimulant of a good conversation at dinner. I missed my dad's dinner jokes and my mom's deep questions. The food began turning to ash in my mouth. Don't get me wrong, I love Panda, but Panda without company is like eating cookie dough made with salmonella infested eggs and rotten milk.
This eating alone made me feel so so so sorry for singles everywhere who get stuck alone at their dinner table with a bag or raman and their cats every night.

What on earth am I getting at? My little lonely-eating venture showed me one important thing: human beings are creatures of community. Even the most introverted of us need the council of a friend and the arm of a brother to help us when we slip. Loneliness in the world creeps out of the crevices that form between friends that haven't talked or hung out. The lack of love between people produces depression and the isolation of even the most hard prisoners drives them to the brink of insanity, then gives a light push. Human beings desire more then to simply cluster, collect honey, and protect their queen. We desire to be in relationship with each other; to love and to be loved.

That's where the Great Romance comes in, isn't it? It's the greatest way we can conceptualize Papa's love for us. It's one of the only ways we can put it into words. To simply say God loves me isn't enough, is it? To just say Jesus died on the cross for my sins is such an understatement, don't you think? It's as if this world craves love, but understates the Source of that Love to the point of making religion instead of relationship.

What would it look like to bask in the love of Papa? What would it look like to walk in peace and assurance? What would it look like to experience the Great Romance in my day-to-day life? What would it be like to never eat alone again?

Colin

For no real reason...Summertime Blues?

Having a great time wandering around and looking at the new Boise Public Library on Ustick and Cole.
I came down here for no real reason, mostly just to spend my summer afternoon in someplace other than my basement. And as I sit here, some kind of summertime blues are casting shadows over my heart. Could it be because I've been gone the last few weeks away from mcoupled with the darkness that hit my family almost four months agoy hometown and friends? Could it be because I'm leaving once again on Monday for a new adventure that will once again take me from home? Or is it something less complex? The death of major celebrities this last week, coupled with the darkness that hit my family almost four months ago? Is it the depressing song I'm listening to on Pandora?

I really am not sure. And yet, some kind of elusive and abstract Summertime Blues simply won't leave. I feel somewhat 'thought constipated' and I really do feel that writing this all down will help.

As I enter into my senior summer I've gotten a glimpse at this Process People Call Life. Why do things happen when you least want, ask for, or choose them? On a perfectly bright and cheerful day, why do I insist on being held back by this invisible feeling?
So many questions! So few answers!

"Welcome to being a grown up" is the most common response.
Screw that.
I refuse to let growing up hold me back. Life may not be all chocolate waterfalls and candy-cane trees, but I won't accept that the very act of growing up sucks the joy out of life.

"I don't want to fall away from
You Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground
This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight"

-Shawn McDonald, Gravity

Perhaps I'm looking at it the wrong way. After all, even Solomon said that there is a "season for everything" Can there be true happiness without some kind of definition for pain? Darkness in a room makes light that much more evident. What about love? How can I truly love someone wholeheartedly without knowing what the absence of love causes?

"I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.

What is the Matrix?

The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to."

-Trinity, The Matrix

They say high school is the time when kids ask questions. If this blog post is any indicator, 'They' are correct. I've asked so many questions in the last four months, I don't even know what to do with myself. Most come back unanswered, but I know Jesus is there. Some answers will only tcome with time, some not at all. What I do know is that the only constant in this quagmire of thought, processing, pain, and questions is Jesus. He is my rock, and when I have no where else to go, when I run out of breathe for questions, and even when I'm throwing a temper tantrum, He is there.


Maybe some Arizona Green Tea, Zelda, and Talladega Nights will brighten my day. :)
Colin

What darkness means

CNN, MSNBC, and Time have all confirmed that Michael Jackson has been pronounced dead. Such a sad day...

Some twitter quotes:

@JesusNeedsNewPR "Gen X's "Elvis" is dead..."

@Jackalopekid "The news today should remind everyone that life is short and that none of us are invincible"

My heart breaks for the Jackson family, and my prayers go out to them. What a painful time. Words cannot express the amount of grief they must be going through.

Just three months ago my family was in a similar position the Jacksons are now in. Again, my prayers go out. Grief is the opposite of what God intended- pain was never his plan.

Great talent has been lost today. I'm saddened.

Let God's love shine through this madness
Colin

On the road Part 2

Alot has happened since my last post. I've covered much of it on twitter (http://twitter.com/ColinMansfield) also, my dad has blogged from his heart during this entire trip (http://DennisMansfield.com)

The biggest epiphany for me on this section of my and my family's journey was revealed through what I talked about as I wrote on my blog on the way to California: being.
I found it incredibly easy to just sit back, relax, and yes, cry with my family as we mourned this unbelievable loss.

That's the coolest thing: family! Living away from my relatives has given me a somewhat warped sense of what family is. These last couple months, seeing more family then I've seen in years, however, has really shown me what family means.

Now, Im headed to SLC to connect up with my friend Justin and his dad to see Mae live. Looking forward to a great time after such tragedy and emotion.

Track my journey on twitter, if you're interested.
Thanks for all your prayer, support, and love during this crazy and hard time!

Colin

-- Posted from my iPhone --

On the road

Doing alot of thinking as my dad, Mark Smit and I make our way to So Cal. Mark Smit is my brother's beat friend, and he spoke at the funeral. It's hard to believe my family has to do this all over again.

I was asked to speak at my Grandma's service on thurs. morning, and I know it's going to be difficult. I'm not sure what I'm gonna say, or how I'm gonna say it, but I trust the words will come.

Something I've been thinking about lately is just BEING. I've written about this concept before, but it has never been so real to me as it is now.
I don't consider myself a control freak, but it's very interesting how I automatically freak out as soon as all control is taken away. What I mean is that I'm fine with change, so long as nothing hugely unexpected happens.
And let me tell you, these last two month have been HUGELY unexpected. So how do I react? Well, as I see it, I have essentially two options. I can (1) get angry, reserved, introspective, and frustrated at life and God, or I can (2) BE. Realize that I truly have no idea what's going on, but live in the knowledge that He does. The latter, although much better sounding, is a million times harder realistically speaking. It's one thing to say it, quite another to BE in it.

But I believe the first step is that one word; that two letter, one syllable, multiple meaning word that is overused but hardly ever "acted" upon.

BE

Colin

-- Posted from my iPhone --

From one Darkness to the next

I guess I'm not really sure how to react, what to say. Why is darkness so prevalent in this world?
Tonight my family found out that my wonderful and beautiful grandma, Wanda McKay, the woman who gave birth to my mother, passed away at around 9pm.
An amazing woman of God, a loving mother and grandma, a puzzle-solver of the highest degree, a master quilter, a healthy person, one with a beautiful disposition, and the type of person you can't help but love; these all describe aspects of my grandma.

The question that remains in my mind, 'why?' continues to be unanswered. I don't get it, I don't understand how God's plan works.
In these next days and weeks I expect to go through phases of both sorrow and anger; mostly because I've experienced both tonight already.

Jesus, I'm trusting you. Please give Nate and Grandma big hugs for me.

Colin
Please also read what my dad had to say: http://DennisMansfield.com


-- Posted from my iPhone --