Thorn in My Side

I've picked a path that's so fucking hard to take,
Sin is a habit, and like drugs it's easy to take but hard to break,
When the snake integrates itself with your soul, you're as easy to hunt as a foal.
Innocence gives way to a pessimist, like Adam and Eve my eyes are opened and my nakedness is exposed.
But God knows. And he proposed a different plan -
Ages before you or I were born, even before the first man was adorned with scorn.
When Jesus died, the current was torn and all the sin in the world: the rape, the hurt, the lies, the idols, the fake love, the porn,
doesn't even phase God's judgement on sin and the Love He's covered us with.

I've seen the depths of Gehenna and I've frolicked while wearing dark garments of death. I've tasted cheap love and traded the world for a moment.
And if even my best actions are "but filthy rags," what of my worst?

Paul speaks of a thorn in his side and I've tried to remove mine, time after time.
"Free me from my sin," I've prayed while feeling increasingly dismayed at the road I've paved. "I don't want to be a slave."
But Paul goes on, and in the most unprecedented way. God replies to him and goes on to say, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."
Maybe freedom from sin is where I got it wrong. Maybe my true freedom has been here all along.
God's grace IS all I need. I've already been freed.

Rebirth, Renewal, Redemption

Moments ago I sat down to make a "Classic Christian" music playlist. I reached a certain song - Flood by Jars of Clay - and I was reminded of a post I wrote long ago. I made this post days after my brother Nate died in 2009. Jars of Clay resonated with me in a way few bands have during that time, and the post contains nothing more than pictures that I was using to relay where I was at emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. And I was stuck.

College has brought with it a host of things to wrestle with and questions to ask.

Am I good enough?
Do I fit in?
Can I succeed?
Will the future be bright?
Is God real?
Am I product of my environment growing up?
Is there a girl out there who is the One?
Is the Bible truth?
Do I have boundaries?

And I can tell you that most of those are unanswered. But as I sit here listening to a song that spoke to me years ago, I am reminded of the road I have traveled and the things I have learned along the way.

Recently I've developed an affinity towards the history of old, abandoned, broken buildings. Exploring them, researching them, taking pictures of them, sharing discoveries with others. Every building has a story as unique as the people that once walked its halls and slept in its rooms. There's something about them that reminds me of how fragile the world is. Titanics sink. Towers of Babel fall. There is a beginning and an end to everything. Seasons come, and seasons go.

The last year and half has been a season of doubt and insecurity. And that season, at long last, is coming to a close.

God is speaking into my life through his Word and my closest friends. I'm ready to step into the next season, and I'm ready to walk in His confidence and Love. I know now that this road is one not easily traveled. It's easy to mess up, get sidetracked, and do the wrong things. But I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am forgiven.

I'm not as quick to judge the church anymore. I'm not as quick to think that I am somehow spiritually superior to my brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is, I don't know much. And what I think I know, I question every day.

I've been stuck before. God was there then. God was there when Abraham messed up. He was there when David stumbled. He was there when man chose sin. He was there when Jesus hung on the cross. He's always been there, and He always will be.

A new season is upon me, and I'm so ready.

Colin

Having Grace for Myself

Grace is something that's hard for me to understand.

"Reap what you sow," "you get what you pay for," "he got what he deserved," "justice was served."

Experiencing grace is always a humbling experience for me. Whether it is receiving something I DON'T deserve, or not receiving something that I DO deserve, my first reaction to grace is often a feeling of "I'm not worthy."

I love being able to show people grace, but sometimes that's incredibly hard to do. Choosing to respond in love, instead of responding in anger, is so rewarding, and worth it.

This school year, but specifically this semester, I've been placed in a position that I never experienced in high school. I've had to have grace for myself. See, I'm an extremely competitive person, and that reveals itself most when I'm around people who are bigger, faster, stronger, and smarter than me. At West Point, I'm always around people who are bigger, faster, stronger, and smarter than me. I've learned that constantly living in a state of competition doesn't work for me, and is in fact incredibly exhausting, both mentally and emotionally. How do I push myself to succeed and get better, without getting discouraged by looking around? Where's the line between healthily caring what other people think, and needing their approval?

There's a tension between my competitive side, which wants to fight to be #1 and is constantly getting frustrated with itself, and the side of me that wants to keep the status quo, equilibrium.

Having grace for myself is the only remedy to this tension, it seems. Realizing that my competitive side can push me to get better, but also realizing that it's ok if I'm not He-Man is refreshing. But it's not easy. At all.

It makes me wonder how Jesus does it. If I get frustrated with myself on a regular basis, how much more does Papa have the right to be frustrated with me? Yet He doesn't. His grace is eternal, everlasting, all-encompassing.

It's a mystery I'm not sure I'll ever understand.

Do you have an experience with grace that you'd like to share?

Colin