Being impulsive is like gambling

Lately my life has been scattered. I have a bunch of unsorted papers sitting on my desk, my car is a mess, and I haven't been organized for months. Not only that, but the way my life is laid out has been scattered as well. I have never been the best planner, but I think it's been reaching an all-time high lately. The only reason I'm able to get by day-to-day is that I've also become quite adept at being reactive.

I don't like any of those things that I just said, and I desperately want to change them. And honestly, I have for quite some time but until now I haven't voiced it to myself openly.

Here's the deal: I'm an impulsive guy. I always have been. Once, in high school, when I was learning guitar, I got several other friends to come out to a corner fruit store with me and perform on the side of the road for hours. We weren't good, but damn was it fun. If I would've planned that out, it never would've happened and I wouldn't have that memory.

My impulsiveness isn't inherently bad, but I've come to the conclusion that lately it simply hasn't been working for me. I've started too many projects and am underperforming on most fronts. I'm a great prioritizer when I sit down and actually plan. But when I don't, as has been the case recently, I fall into an extremely reactive state where I meet problems as they come to me rather than dedicating time to solving them before they actually become a problem. Putting out fires, as they say. Reactive, rather than proactive.

And I get these harebrained ideas in my head that sometimes manifest themselves as new projects, and sometimes just kind of sit in my skull and stew for no reason. For example, yesterday I considered starting a paper about whether or not Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" impacted children of that generation to become rebellious towards school, and whether that has influenced education policy as a whole over the years. And I even started researching that - for no reason whatsoever. It seemed interesting, and I impulsively latched on for about an hour.

I've come to the conclusion that with me, being impulsive is a lot like gambling. The ironic thing is that I'm actually a fairly good gambler, but I'm terrible when it comes to being impulsive. I've never had a gambling problem, I go in with a set amount and spend only that, and I go in expecting to lose everything that I'm willing to gamble with. Smart gambling 101.

For me, being impulsive is like going to the roulette table and putting $100 on a specific number. There's a very very slight chance that I'll win big, but most times I just walk away one Benjamin poorer. My impulsiveness often leads me down meaningless bunny trails like my brief foray into the politics behind Pink Floyd, but sometimes opens really cool new doors. Like last month I started a new consulting business where I help individuals and companies with social media training and questions. It's been working out well, and I've been learning a lot about consulting and what businesses need.

But if I'm honest with myself, 90% of the time if not more my impulsiveness lands me at a dead end. What I need to do is harness this impulsive behavior and be better about how I use it, kinda like I do with gambling.

When I have an apparent epiphany moment where I simply must start a new project, perhaps the better thing to do would be to give it 24 hours and sit on it. Process it a bit, toss it around with friends, or do some very light research. If the feeling passes in 24 hours, it's certainly not worth going for. After that, I could set a goal about what I want to do with this new idea. I could go in to this bet with a set amount of money, all of which I'm willing to lose if it doesn't work out - so to speak.

But at that point I'm not being very impulsive, am I? Maybe that's okay. Maybe what I need is less gambling in my day-to-day life, and a bit more control over where my time and energy is being spent.

Colin

The Doubt Essential To Faith

During my many hours of driving this summer, I've rediscovered my love of podcasts. Most recently I've enjoyed the 2013 TED talks. I downloaded a bunch of them, and listen as I roll around the South in my new Volvo S60 T. The below TED talk brought tears to my eyes because of how much it resonated with me and where I'm at.

The speaker is a woman by the name of Lesley Hazleton; she is a self prescribed agnostic Jew, and she has written a biography on Mohommad. I look forward to checking out her books, but I wanted to share this podcast because I believe it has some amazing truths.

Ms. Hazleton talks about the doubt essential to faith. In her own words:

"Like fundamentalists of all religious stripes, they have no questions, only answers. They have found the perfect antidote to thought, and the ideal refuge from the hard demands of real faith. They don't have to struggle for it, like Jacob wrestling through the night with the angel. Or like Jesus with his 40 days and nights in the wilderness.Or like Mohommad. Not only that night on the mountain, but throughout his years as the prophet."

I'd highly recommend watching this TED talk if you want to be stretched, and if you want to think.

First Week of Classes, Junior Year

This post may be somewhat dry - I just need to process some things I think. It may come out as simply a listing of events and such. So, you've been warned.

It's so crazy for me to think that I'm already a Junior, or Cow in West Point lingo. This semester I'm taking International Relations, Intermediate Arabic, Advanced Survival Swimming, IT305, Political Analysis, and Fundamentals of Nuclear Engineering. It's not a super heavy course load (17 credits) but I'm already not too excited for Arabic and Nuke. I'll have to put in extra time in both of those courses, that's for sure.

I started my morning routine that I outlined in my last post, and it worked really well! I'm actually really enjoying getting up a bit earlier. It's like I've wanted an excuse to get up earlier, and now I have it. The next step is to get to bed on time - I've not been doing so well at that all week.

When I take a step back and look at my life right now, it's relatively simple. I need to go to school, and actively engage in what West Point has to offer. That's it. And yet when I'm in the moment it seems loads harder to accomplish those things. The difficulty of West Point is in the details for sure. The 10 minute walks across campus that add up, the errands that need to get ran, the assignment that I need to sign up for online. All of the little things compile, and the snowball effect takes over. Last semester, I got crushed by the snowball. This semester, I am better prepared (I hope!).

My sister had her gall bladder removed yesterday, and the surgery went well. I'm sooooo glad. This has been something that has haunted her since getting pregnant with Amelia, and I really hope that this surgery is the end of it all. I want to be able to eat cookie dough with my sis again!

My friend Kona is getting ready to leave for Africa this semester along with my other friend Kelsey. It's really weird for me because when I come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas I won't be able to go and visit her at all. That seems fairly selfish I guess, but my point is that I am going to miss her. I know that his is a part of her journey and her adventure, and for that I am so excited.

I was the photographer for the Plebe Retreat this semester. Basically, the Plebe Retreat is a Bible camp for the new freshmen at West Point. It gives them a chance to meet other Christians at West Point and to get plugged in at one of the many Christian groups that meets on Tuesday nights. Somebody heard that I was half-decent at taking pictures through the grapevine, and so that's what I did all weekend (along with some ping-pong and volleyball of course!) It was up at Camp Buckner, and I really had a great time. It was nice to get away from the hustle and bustle of West Point and to just relax in the pseudo-wilderness for a while. Taking the time to worship and really spend quality time with Papa is something that has been noticeably absent from my life, and I hope to improve that moving forward.

Week 2 of classes started yesterday, and I'm actually really pumped. Here's to another week of getting my body sore through workouts and my mind sore through school!

Colin