Hellbound? A thought provoking film and a missed opportunity.

A friend and former mentor during my time in Boy Scouts posted a link to a video on Facebook today that piqued my interest. When Pastor Rob Bell's book "Love Wins" came out in 2011 I did a fair amount of writing about it. Bell came under a lot of scrutiny for his book that asked hard questions about heaven, hell, the afterlife, and what that means for us on earth. The most outraged called him a heretic, and many began painting him as a universalist. This post isn't primarily about Bell, so I'll put him aside for a moment - it does give us a good launching point to discuss this film, however.

"Hellbound?" came out in 2012 and I completely missed it. I'm not sure how - though something tells me it had to do with my face being buried in Physics books during Yearling year at West Point. The film asks "Does hell exist? If so, who ends up there, and why? 'Hellbound?' is a provocative, feature-length documentary that will ensure you never look at hell the same way again!" After reading this brief description, I watched the trailer video.



If you're like me, this caught your attention. I couldn't help but dig up the full version - which didn't take long considering the film is now on Netflix. The movie clocks in at 84 minutes long, making it perfect for my after-lunch relaxation ritual. It explores exactly what it states - and I came away knowing a lot more about the various arguments about hell and was overall impressed with the quality. This could have easily been a one-sided argument slanted towards the director's personal convictions, but it wasn't.

Instead, "Hellbound?" starts with the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, complete with Westboro Baptist Church protestors. This powerful beginning led into an explanation about the "usual" Christian perspective (sometimes referred to as "conditionalism") on hell: if you die and don't accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you are judged by God and sent to eternal darkness and suffering. It then offers up brief explanations about "annihilationism" which is similar to conditionalism, but asserts that instead of eternal suffering, souls that do not believe in Christ will be annihilated and cease to exist. Sometimes torment is a part of being annihilated, sometimes not. The third, and final, perspective on hell that the film explores is universalism, which states that in the end, God's grace is bigger than sin: all will be forgiven, and all will spend eternity in paradise.

Roughly half of the film is spent on conditionalism, while the other half discusses universalism. In an interesting move, the director interviews theologians, authors, pastors, death-metal guitarists, and atheists in an effort to develop a holistic perspective about the debate, letting the interviewees, in a sense, debate each other without ever coming face to face. The audience is left to decide for themselves and no final word is given on which side presents the best argument. Questions are asked and explored, but never fully answered. After all, at the end of the day, we really don't know.

I enjoyed the film. It got me to think. It got me to explore some of my long-held beliefs about hell, while at the same time, it pricked me with questions that had been nagging at my brain for a long time. Questions like:

• If God is all loving and all powerful, why, then, does he not choose to save all of humanity? Is he unwilling?
• Why is the literal translation of "hell" in the Bible hotly disputed?
• Why are there scriptures that seem to back up each side of the debate?

I asked my mom and dad to watch the movie, and after their viewing my father and I discussed the merits and pitfalls of the film. I had come away feeling that the director was even-handed in his approach. My dad, on the other hand, felt like the first third of the movie was set up as a straw-man to be toppled in the final third. We did, however, agree on one major issue:

The movie did not adequately express the importance of a faith in Jesus. While the nature and very existence of hell was hotly discussed, nearly all of the people interviewed in the movie agreed that Jesus is the only way to heaven. This was almost taken for granted, and the director simply did not make it clear why. Additionally, the documentary was clearly targeted at a demographic: mine. That is, Christians. Part way through my viewing, I stopped and put myself in the shoes of a non-believer watching the film. Why would I even care? Christian lingo and phrases were tossed around with little explanation, and very little effort was made to cater to the most important potential audience: those that need to hear the message of Christ the most. This, I believe, was a huge missed opportunity on the part of the director. 

Personally, I think I lean more universalist than I do towards the the traditional notion of hell. But this isn't, necessarily, because I have been convinced either way. Rather, I'm a firm believer that Love covers a multitude of sins and that believing in Christ's unfailing love will always bring me back to the Cross; fear of hell, and fear in general, is not only a poor motivator to pursuing God, but it puts my heart in a place of self-focused negativeness that in no way aids my spiritual journey. I am a strong believer in ultimate Truth. I'm just not sure we'll ever know some aspects of that Truth until after our bodies are six feet under.

And ultimately, pursuing Christ and being that city on the hill is what I want in my life. These questions about heaven and hell are important, and worth pondering. Questions are good: they lead to self-discovery and can open new cognitive doors. But only Jesus leads to salvation.

Colin

Rebirth, Renewal, Redemption

Moments ago I sat down to make a "Classic Christian" music playlist. I reached a certain song - Flood by Jars of Clay - and I was reminded of a post I wrote long ago. I made this post days after my brother Nate died in 2009. Jars of Clay resonated with me in a way few bands have during that time, and the post contains nothing more than pictures that I was using to relay where I was at emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. And I was stuck.

College has brought with it a host of things to wrestle with and questions to ask.

Am I good enough?
Do I fit in?
Can I succeed?
Will the future be bright?
Is God real?
Am I product of my environment growing up?
Is there a girl out there who is the One?
Is the Bible truth?
Do I have boundaries?

And I can tell you that most of those are unanswered. But as I sit here listening to a song that spoke to me years ago, I am reminded of the road I have traveled and the things I have learned along the way.

Recently I've developed an affinity towards the history of old, abandoned, broken buildings. Exploring them, researching them, taking pictures of them, sharing discoveries with others. Every building has a story as unique as the people that once walked its halls and slept in its rooms. There's something about them that reminds me of how fragile the world is. Titanics sink. Towers of Babel fall. There is a beginning and an end to everything. Seasons come, and seasons go.

The last year and half has been a season of doubt and insecurity. And that season, at long last, is coming to a close.

God is speaking into my life through his Word and my closest friends. I'm ready to step into the next season, and I'm ready to walk in His confidence and Love. I know now that this road is one not easily traveled. It's easy to mess up, get sidetracked, and do the wrong things. But I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am forgiven.

I'm not as quick to judge the church anymore. I'm not as quick to think that I am somehow spiritually superior to my brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is, I don't know much. And what I think I know, I question every day.

I've been stuck before. God was there then. God was there when Abraham messed up. He was there when David stumbled. He was there when man chose sin. He was there when Jesus hung on the cross. He's always been there, and He always will be.

A new season is upon me, and I'm so ready.

Colin

Getting Controversial: I read my Bible because I feel guilty. Featuring: Being vs. Doing

I attend a Bible Study every Tuesday night here at West Point called OCF, Officer's Christian Fellowship. It's been great to get to know the people involved and make some new friends. I had a great time at the OCF retreat last month, getting away and spending some quality time with Papa was soul-nurturing.

OCF uses the Christian tried-and-true recipe for a Bible study: worship, announcements, short message, small groups. Quite frankly I'm cool with this, Jesus shows up regardless of the format, and that's what really matters.

Tonight the memory verse for this week came from the book of Joshua:

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.
Joshua 1:8

After the verse was read aloud, the speaker posed this question to think about during the week:

What should I be doing differently in my life or continue doing after reading this verse?

It got me thinking, in a big way.

(First of all, I'm referring to the question throughout this post, not the verse from Joshua. I believe the verse is a very Old Testament way of saying "you guys don't know how to live. Do it this way: it works." If you think I'm off-base in this thinking, let me know.)

These days, whenever I hear someone talk about "what should I/we/he/she be doing?" I immediately stop to asses what's being asked.

First, the question comes with an inherent sense of expectation. Not "what's the right thing?" but instead "what should?" The person asking has some sense that there's an expectation to be lived up to. There's an invisible point in the distance that they must reach, and this action should be a step towards that point.

Second, the question is all about action, rather then personal development. "What should I/we/he/she be doing?" There's no sense of personal change, rather just a change of action. It's almost as if the person asking is saying "surely there's some action I can participate in that will change me from the outside-in."

Clearly, I disagree with the premise of the question being asked. However, my disagreement and inner frustration reached a climax during small group time.

I really do like the small group I'm a part of. All of the guys are solid brothers in Christ, and I believe they are truly seeking after God. My small group leaders are both Firsties (translation: seniors) and have 100 other things to be doing on a Tuesday night during a Thayer Week (translation: week with a ton of tests and papers due). I admire them for showing up and leading our group week after week. Also, I admire the other plebes (translation: freshmen) who attend the group. I know I have at least 50 other things I could be doing, and so do they. They help push me continue coming every week.

So, that said, moving on to the frustrating part of the night.

Guilt really grinds my gears. I feel as though if I am doing something because someone has made me feel guilty if I do not do it, I'm probably doing it for the wrong reason. I believe guilt has its place - and it has kept me out of trouble more than once. I do not believe that its place is in manipulating people. Unfortunately, much of Christianity today relies on that second kind of guilt: the kind that really pisses me off.

An on-going challenge that my small group leaders push every week is for all of us to read our Bibles on a daily basis. I love this idea. I understand that reading God's word is important, and I know that not reading the Bible is not helpful to my walk with Christ. The leaders of my small group check us every week,
"Colin, how'd your time in the Word go this week?"
"Good! I spent time in James and got a lot out of it."
"Did you read every day?"
"Nope, I missed Thursday and Saturday"
"Oh...well you gotta get on that every day man."

And so it goes, every week. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for accountability for my actions. I appreciate the check up because it keeps it fresh in my head. Tonight however, one of my leaders said something that shocked me.

"Guys, if this keeps up we're gonna start some kind of competition where you do push ups if you didn't read, or something. I mean, we want you to succeed."

Here's the thing: I want to read Papa's words because I want to read them. If I'm reading them because I have to, because somebody else wants me to, or because I don't want to have to do push ups next Tuesday, I honestly don't really see the value in reading at all. I know this probably goes against the whole "the Bible never returns void" but I also know that a seed planted in fertile soil is going to give much more fruit then that planted in rocky soil.

My point is this: what's with the church guilting people into doing things that supposedly "grow our relationship with Christ?" If we are doing it to not feel guilty, then we're not really doing it to grow closer to Christ, are we? I have a theory: I don't think God's into the whole "actions first" thing. What if Papa was more interested in our hearts then with our hands?

You may not agree with everything I'm saying here: I'm sure there are plenty of verses that contradict my heresy. That said, I think we can all agree that manipulation through guilt is unhealthy. I'm not talking about choosing "the hard right over the easier wrong" (although, I'd love to do a post on that later). I'm talking about doing something because I feel like I have to, when the option is there to do that same thing out of personal desire for growth in my relationship with Christ. After all, it's the heart behind the action that matters, isn't it?

Hit me: where is my theology all jacked up?

Colin

On turning 18, fear, and trust

Turning 18 gives me mixed emotions.

I'm an adult, which is pretty cool. I get to buy lottery tickets, smoke, go to jail, and vote. More importantly: my words hold a new weight coming out of my mouth. I can be recognized as some one with an opinion, and not just merely viewed as a teenager shouting into the wind. I get to be viewed as an adult shouting into the wind!

Ok, maybe I'm being a little too snarky and sarcastic about this whole thing. I really do view it as more than a legal "coming of age". 

To tell you the truth, I have a serious conflict about this whole turning 18 thing, and it really doesn't have to do with my birthday at all. April 23rd 2010 signified that I am one huge step closer to leaving home and starting my own life. As anyone who has experienced this knows, that's both one of the best things and one of the scariest.

In a little under two months I'll head off to college. I'm going to West Point, located in New York, so there really is no transition period. I'll be living in Boise one day and be living in barracks at USMA the next.

I really am excited for this experience and lifestyle. This has been my dream since I can remember having dreams. I am excited to be bent, broken, and recast. I'm excited to truly learn what it means to lead.

None of this comes without a cost. I have to leave my family, girlfriend, friends, and home town. This is the hardest and shittiest part of the whole thing. I'm being 100% real: more fear then I've ever known rises in me when I think about it. Fear that I may not see some of my closest friends for years. Fear that my relationship and friendship with my girlfriend will change because I wont be there for her when other people are. Fear that one day I'll wake up at age 30 and wonder where the last 10 years went.

Fear isn't healthy, and I know that. I also don't know any other way to combat this fear save two things: ask Papa for a shoulder to lean on, and make every effort to be here now, at every moment. I'm striving to enjoy every moment I have left in High School.

It's almost like I'm an adult in everybody else's eyes but mine. To me, I'm just a kid who doesn't want to leave his loved ones, and no matter what I tell myself I keep coming back to that. And yet I am most definitely not a boy; I'm a man, and a peaceful, free, and stupendous man at that. I'm finding being "peaceful" and "free" is a lot harder when that's not at all how I feel.

And right now I kind of feel like this blog post is depressing. I really and honestly don't mean it to be: this is just where I'm at. I don't want it to sound like turning 18 was a bad experience and now I'm dragging my feet; that's not it at all. In fact, I'm finding that I want to be more present from moment to moment now then ever before. This whole going to college thing is starting to bring things into focus. It's hard, and I know I'll be glad for it in the long run.

It's easy for me to say that I trust Papa to take care of everything while I'm gone: my relationships, girlfriend, and family. It's a lot harder to believe that in my heart and to actually trust Him. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. What I do know is that Papa has a plan that's a whole lot better then mine. My hope is that that plan isn't going to be emotionally stressful and that it won't hurt. My hope is that my worst fears don't come to fruition in that plan. I'm having a hard time trusting Papa because I feel like if I do, it somehow gives Him permission to use my fears to stretch me. I know I probably need to check my heart about this stuff, and I bet most of you could show me verses that prove me wrong. Nonetheless, this is where I'm at now. I want God's help, but am having a hard time trusting Him. How's that working for me? Not very well.

For now I want to enjoy every moment, which includes (but is not limited to): staying up late and blogging, going to opening night movies, doing crazy stuff with friends, hanging with my gf as often as I can, hanging out with my friends at every opportunity, and focusing on being all there with my family when we are having fun together. A couple of those things already have a check next to them.

Prayers headed this way would be awesome,
Colin

Questions

I'm tired of people pretending like they have all of the answers.

Is it so unfathomable to think that there are things happening around us that we have no clue about? Even more than a "scene above the ceiling" - a whole Kingdom around us that many refuse to recognize?

This trip to Israel was so awesome. I'm glad I was able to journal via blogging; it really helped me process while traveling, and I'm glad to hear it proved interesting to others as well. The things I speak of in this post are only a fraction of what I've been thinking about.

Something this year has taught me, and something that really hit home for me on this trip, is the power of questions.

I've really come to a place of peace about not having to always know the answer to something. I can accept that many times things are simply out of my control - that no matter how much I plan and map a decision out, there are things are at work that I have no clue about. I can accept that Papa's will for me is to live loved, and that He will take care of the rest.

This last year has forced many questions through my mind. I've heard it said that when you question something that is in the Bible, oftentimes the answer to that question produces only more questions. I've seen firsthand the affects questions can have on someone who is trying to haggle for an item from a Jewish shopkeeper.

There's something about questions, whether answerable or unanswerable. People are uncomfortable with too many of them, as they can pry a man's heart from his chest if asked correctly.

I've come under fire from a few people, both online and in the real world, when I've written or talked about author's such as Rob Bell and William Young. Why? I'm really not sure. There's something about people that ask questions, and look at things with a different set of glasses on. In some strange way, it scares people. They tack labels like "Emergent Church" and then call for unity. What? Please, for the sake of us all, I would ask those people to look for a plank before removing the speck.

Even God challenges people with Questions.

Job 38

Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me."

God goes on to question Job for four chapters. At the end of the questioning and challenging, Job replies:

Job 42

Then Job replied to the Lord:

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears have heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Whoa. That's powerful.

I'm never going to stop asking questions. I understand that the nature of asking "why?" is to come back with the answer "I don't know."

And I'm ok with that.

Because I really don't need to know everything.

Like getting to know a friend, girlfriend, or relative, I accept that there are things about the nature of God and this world He's created that I may never know. But just as with those people, that won't stop me from continuously seeking a relationship and asking the hard questions.

Colin

The Great Romance

So God created us in His image, and He is love.

We are created in the image of Love.

God created us for relationship; with Him first, then with each other.

How does this romance work?

Men naturally will defend women, without thinking.

In the Bible, we are likened to the bride, and Christ to the bridegroom seeking after his bride.

Just as men will naturally protect and care for women, God will naturally protect and care for us.

And with danger looming, how much more?

What would happen if everything we look at: the trees, our jobs, board meetings, donuts, our spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend, related to this Great Romance?

Not like all connected, but all depending.

What would happen if we're not just affected by God's Love, but we depend on It?

The closer we draw to Him, into the arms of our Papa, the further we get from darkness, hurt, fear, and pain.

Papa, draw me close.

Colin

What darkness means

CNN, MSNBC, and Time have all confirmed that Michael Jackson has been pronounced dead. Such a sad day...

Some twitter quotes:

@JesusNeedsNewPR "Gen X's "Elvis" is dead..."

@Jackalopekid "The news today should remind everyone that life is short and that none of us are invincible"

My heart breaks for the Jackson family, and my prayers go out to them. What a painful time. Words cannot express the amount of grief they must be going through.

Just three months ago my family was in a similar position the Jacksons are now in. Again, my prayers go out. Grief is the opposite of what God intended- pain was never his plan.

Great talent has been lost today. I'm saddened.

Let God's love shine through this madness
Colin

Burning the Dust Jacket

"We're nothing more than dust jackets for books, of no significance otherwise"


As Wikipedia puts it, "Fahrenheit 451 is a dystopian speculative fiction novel authored by Ray Bradbury and first published in 1953.
The novel presents a future American society in which the masses are hedonistic, and critical thought through reading is outlawed."

Guy Montag is a fireman--one who starts fires. Actually, that's the role of all firemen ever since houses became fireproof. So, what do they burn? The source of free thought, that which births sadness, depression, anger, rage, and ultimately war. They burn books.
TV rooms now contain a full four wall panorama of full-sized screens. People constantly have earbuds, or "seashells" in their ears, and because of this are fed a never ending tidalwave of of the government-controlled media's perspective. They connect with their "family" via the TV's and because of this have little interaction with people face to face. Their world has turned into one of control and stability, and because of this, a facade of laughter, fun, and a care-free lifestyle.
This is the setting of Fahrenheit 451, a book that critically plunges into the depths of a changing society bent on satisfying their need for hapiness.

When I started reading this book, I really wasn't sure what to think. A friend gave me this 165 page paperback novel, and with it a note saying this was his favorite book, and that he had deemed me worthy of reading it. Because I have a great deal of respect for this friend, I decided to push through its thin pages no matter the cost, and no matter how hard it may be. Long story short, it took me about half of the book to get into it. That being said, once I got it, I GOT it. I simply couldn't put it down! The pages flipped effortlesly as I wrestled with the concepts presented.

It was like wrestling with giants.

The book's main concept is easily understood and easily presented as a simple math equation:

Society - critical thinking + total media = mindless, thoughtless, numb creatures.

This, although intriguing in and of itself, is but one of the concepts introduced. The concept that really pulled at me- really got my gears turning, is that of being a dust jacket.
There come a point in the book where Guy is running from the government and happens upon a band of would-be-scholars who now live as hobos due to the current situation. Up to this point Guy has been dealing with books that have been burned and how their contents will never, ever be recovered. The cast-off scholars, however, introduce the concept to Guy that the book itself is of little importance. Rather, it's the ideas, concepts, and emotions inside these books that make the difference. These hobos hold onto the belief that if you read something once, it's inside your head.
"All of us have photographic memories, but spend a lifetime learning how to block off the things that are really there."

I believe this same concept can be applied to my relationship with Jesus. Once I get to know Him, there's no getting rid of that. I've asked him to become a part of me, I've asked him to make my heart his throne room. The amazing part about this phenomonon is that when this happens, I merely become a dust cover for Jesus. My attitude, appearance, speech, manerisms- these are all the first things anyone sees. Within this dusty shell, however, lies that which really matters. To extend the metaphor, the more you destroy the dustcover, the more the contents are revealed.
I'm not sure this metaphor is complete or 100% there, but the concept makes sense to me.

Fahrenheit 451 is a book I know I'll read many times through my life. Intriguing, thought provoking, and beautifully crafted, this book pulls no punches in the issues it deals with. If you like censorship, you'll hate this book.

What about you? What are your thoughts?

Colin


-- Posted from my iPhone --

A conversation about love

So, what if I don't wanna be?

Well, that's only gonna make things harder later.

Well yeah but Do you always have to think about tomorrow? What about today: here, now, the present!

They're gonna suck even worse in anticipation of what the future holds.

What happened to smiling? Can't I just smile even though I feel like shouting?

Well you can, I just really don't think that's gonna work any better for ya. Smiling when you're happy is one thing, but keeping that smile past its welcome is quite another.

I know, I know. I know what I should do, have to do, want to do. Why is it I don't do it?

That's the question then, isn't it? That is the greatest question scientists and theologians have given huge amounts of thought into. The magnificint "why?"

Then what's the purpose? Jesus? God?

Love.

Love?

Love. We love because Christ first loved us.

My Christian mind gets it, my normal mind is fumbling.

And that's faith.



Faith so I can love and love so I can have faith.

Thoughts?
But I digress.

Colin



-- Posted from my iPhone --

On the road

Doing alot of thinking as my dad, Mark Smit and I make our way to So Cal. Mark Smit is my brother's beat friend, and he spoke at the funeral. It's hard to believe my family has to do this all over again.

I was asked to speak at my Grandma's service on thurs. morning, and I know it's going to be difficult. I'm not sure what I'm gonna say, or how I'm gonna say it, but I trust the words will come.

Something I've been thinking about lately is just BEING. I've written about this concept before, but it has never been so real to me as it is now.
I don't consider myself a control freak, but it's very interesting how I automatically freak out as soon as all control is taken away. What I mean is that I'm fine with change, so long as nothing hugely unexpected happens.
And let me tell you, these last two month have been HUGELY unexpected. So how do I react? Well, as I see it, I have essentially two options. I can (1) get angry, reserved, introspective, and frustrated at life and God, or I can (2) BE. Realize that I truly have no idea what's going on, but live in the knowledge that He does. The latter, although much better sounding, is a million times harder realistically speaking. It's one thing to say it, quite another to BE in it.

But I believe the first step is that one word; that two letter, one syllable, multiple meaning word that is overused but hardly ever "acted" upon.

BE

Colin

-- Posted from my iPhone --

From one Darkness to the next

I guess I'm not really sure how to react, what to say. Why is darkness so prevalent in this world?
Tonight my family found out that my wonderful and beautiful grandma, Wanda McKay, the woman who gave birth to my mother, passed away at around 9pm.
An amazing woman of God, a loving mother and grandma, a puzzle-solver of the highest degree, a master quilter, a healthy person, one with a beautiful disposition, and the type of person you can't help but love; these all describe aspects of my grandma.

The question that remains in my mind, 'why?' continues to be unanswered. I don't get it, I don't understand how God's plan works.
In these next days and weeks I expect to go through phases of both sorrow and anger; mostly because I've experienced both tonight already.

Jesus, I'm trusting you. Please give Nate and Grandma big hugs for me.

Colin
Please also read what my dad had to say: http://DennisMansfield.com


-- Posted from my iPhone --

Getting back on track: why I need Jesus

I received a very interesting response about my last post, both via comment and facebook. I believe the consensus was "ewwwe...that post was dark and hopeless."
Good.
One thing I've found useful about having this blog is that not only am I able to communicate where I'm at (in terms of life, thought process, physically, etc.) but I'm also able to communicate what I'm processing. The last post fits into the latter category.

So, partially as a rebuttal, and partially because I want to set the record straight, here's the other half of my thought process; the yin to yesterday's yang if you will.


Life with Jesus is a whole lot better than life without Jesus. (Mrs. Jones, that's my thesis statement for this post)
In my last post, if you look closely, I don't even mention God. I mention religion, but even that in a negative way. Here's what I'm getting at: without Jesus, without hope, without love (both of which He is) life is pointless. Without God the end all of man is to satisfy his hunger for sin: a hunger that ultimately leads to death.
My friend, Max Moser, wrote an interesting article for his school newspaper about just such a belief.

Now that last paragraph may have been incredibly easy for you to read. You may have already tackled this issue of right vs. wrong, good vs. bad in your own mind. The problem I face, is not distinguishing between the light and the dark, but rather living it out on a day-to-day moment-by-moment level. It's the whole issue of Romans 7 for me.
This, I fear, will take another whole post to discuss.


So, as much as my last post was a digression, so this post is getting back on track. I am firm in my belief in Jesus as my personal Savior. Sometimes, I just need to spill my guts about everything else going on in my head.

Colin

The Rays of Sun Blasting the Inversion of my Heart

As my good friend David Wheeler put it: "Blogging begets more blogging, and not blogging begets more not blogging." And so it has been for me.
Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to blog, I simply "haven't had the time."
Bull.
Short explanation: I've been processing life and growing in God.
Long explanation:

My heart has been yearning to change, in nearly every way.
Ever since I found my purpose (however rough it may still be) and started this blog, my heart has been seeking change. Spiritual, emotional, and habitual change.
Ground Shaking. Interesting statement, seeing as how it both has to do with being, and with doing.
I believe that as a Christian, that is being a temple for the Holy Spirit, everywhere I go brings Christ. What I mean is that I may be in the most hostile environment, and God can still work through me no prob. Just my being there can change the entire situation for the better. Not because of me, mind you, but because of Jesus. I believe that my purpose, being a Ground Shaker for Christ, ties directly into this belief.
That's the being side of things. I know who I am: I am a peaceful, free, and stupendous man who's mission is to influence, restore, and improvise honor and wisdom in myself and others, and I do this through being a Ground Shaker for Christ.
So what about the doing? I think that as a Christian, and more specifically as a Ground Shaker, it is my responsibility, nay, my honor, to influence those around me through the way I purposefully act, lead, show respect, and even joke.
I think one without the other is futile, and I also think that in order to do, I must first be. Pretty deep huh?

So how does this relate back to anything?
Like I said, my heart has been yearning for change. I had felt like a corked bottle of champagne; I had all this stuff I wanted to share, but wasn't sure how uncork myself, much less pour myself out. Putting it in Focus terms (for those of you that care) I felt like I had all this medicine to give away to some village across a river, yet no way of getting it there.

Then winter camp happened.
As I say that I cringe. I've built up some kind of wall when it comes to winter camp experiences. In the past, I've experienced winter camp as an awesome place to get close to God. Sadly, when I return from such an awesome trip, I've found that realty hits me like a brick, and I once again grow distant from Him. At least that's been my experience up until this year.

Lots of cool stuff happened at winter camp (see previous post), but bottom line was this: I asked God to free me up; to uncork me. Somewhat expectedly, somewhat unexpectedly, He did. It was as simple as that. One moment I was worshipping with anchors on my heart, the next I wasn't. I was hesitant at first that this freedom would be a temporary fix. What I've found, however, is that God's freedom is permanent. He is always true to me, I just have to accept it.

That was stage one: freedom. Stage two came just recently.
I have an amazing friend by the name of Austin Townend. There's singularly no other human being who can make me laugh as much, as hard, and as often as him (with the possible exception of my father.) We've had fun times together, and he even made me a merch/myspace editor of his Hardcore band, Bless the Martyr!
Every once in a while him and I will have an intense conversation; a heart-to-heart if you will. Such was the case Saturday night/Sunday morning (we talked well into the 4am margin.)
I won't tell you everything that we talked about, mostly because it would be incredibly out of context and would take many, many other posts for you to fully get where we are coming from.
I will tell you, however, how this plays into The Rays of Sun that Blasted the Inversion of my Heart (thought that would make a good title due to the weather in Boise lately!)

Warning: I'm not going to pull any punches.

We talked about the state of the Church, specifically that of Vineyard Boise (my current home church, his old one. He now attends the Meridian Vineyard.)
Firstly, we both agreed that the people at the Vineyard (assume I'm talking about the Vineyard Boise) are awesome. I immensely love everyone who is on leadership, and hold no grudges; have no withholds.
We also agreed how there seems to be a spirit of some kind of fear or holding back. From what we've seen lately, people are able to grow to a certain extent, then can grow no more. I personally am not sure if this is directly due to the leadership, or simply the spirit of the congregation as a whole. Regardless, I feel it.
I've seen this spirit not only manifest itself in the main service, but also in the youth church, and even in VCHSC (the elementary through high school that I attend.)

I mean a couple things by a "spirit of fear or holding back." Firstly, I don't see people ON FIRE for Christ. People raise their hand in worship, yes, but how exactly are they uplifting the church? I see people apply for programs, and volunteer for events, but even in that I see no FIRE. I see works. And I know that works without faith, faith in Christ, are dead.
As James 2:19-20 puts it (Message):

"19-20Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but
then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something
wonderful? That's just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them? Use
your heads! Do you suppose for a minute that you can cut faith and works in two
and not end up with a corpse on your hands?"

Basically I see evidence of spiritual deadness creeping into my church. Whatever the cause of this deadness, the cure is simple enough to guess. Jesus.

Maybe you can see where this is going, and maybe not. In any case, God convicted me that I haven't been helpful. I had even become a part of this spiritual deadness. The acting, the charade to conceal the heart which is deceitful and desperately wicked.

Be that as it may, God has given me freedom. Because of this freedom, and the knowledge and understanding God has given to me in the past few weeks in regards to my church, along with the understanding that God wants to draw us, his bride, closer and closer to him, I have decided to let God use me. I'm not 100% sure how that's going to look yet. I do know, however, that if God's desire is to put this church on FIRE for Him, which I know it is, he could do it using me. I believe his desire is to do it using me. I also know that the answer is not for me to leave the church. Church leaving can often be a bitter, sour experience. I believe God has put me where I am for a reason, and that reason is not to ditch out on what he can use me for.

Based on this, I am beginning an adventure the likes of which I have never even heard of. My goal: to set the Vineyard Boise back on FIRE for God.

Like I said, I'm not 100% sure what it'll look like yet, but I'm ready, willing, and able.

Please do keep me in your prayers as I endeavour to Shake some serious Ground. If God has to drop me from an airplane so I can make a big enough quake, so be it. All I know is that I want the Holy Spirit to have his way.

I think that about covers it! Those are my thoughts, my convictions, and my next actions. Please feel free to comment if you have feedback for me or about anything that I've said; I want to hear from people!

Also, check out my podcasts (link on the sidebar.)!

Have a great week everyone!

Colin