I came down here for no real reason, mostly just to spend my summer afternoon in someplace other than my basement. And as I sit here, some kind of summertime blues are casting shadows over my heart. Could it be because I've been gone the last few weeks away from mcoupled with the darkness that hit my family almost four months agoy hometown and friends? Could it be because I'm leaving once again on Monday for a new adventure that will once again take me from home? Or is it something less complex? The death of major celebrities this last week, coupled with the darkness that hit my family almost four months ago? Is it the depressing song I'm listening to on Pandora?
I really am not sure. And yet, some kind of elusive and abstract Summertime Blues simply won't leave. I feel somewhat 'thought constipated' and I really do feel that writing this all down will help.
As I enter into my senior summer I've gotten a glimpse at this Process People Call Life. Why do things happen when you least want, ask for, or choose them? On a perfectly bright and cheerful day, why do I insist on being held back by this invisible feeling?
So many questions! So few answers!
"Welcome to being a grown up" is the most common response.
I refuse to let growing up hold me back. Life may not be all chocolate waterfalls and candy-cane trees, but I won't accept that the very act of growing up sucks the joy out of life.
"I don't want to fall away fromPerhaps I'm looking at it the wrong way. After all, even Solomon said that there is a "season for everything" Can there be true happiness without some kind of definition for pain? Darkness in a room makes light that much more evident. What about love? How can I truly love someone wholeheartedly without knowing what the absence of love causes?
You Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground
This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight"
-Shawn McDonald, Gravity
"I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.
What is the Matrix?
The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to."
-Trinity, The Matrix
They say high school is the time when kids ask questions. If this blog post is any indicator, 'They' are correct. I've asked so many questions in the last four months, I don't even know what to do with myself. Most come back unanswered, but I know Jesus is there. Some answers will only tcome with time, some not at all. What I do know is that the only constant in this quagmire of thought, processing, pain, and questions is Jesus. He is my rock, and when I have no where else to go, when I run out of breathe for questions, and even when I'm throwing a temper tantrum, He is there.
Maybe some Arizona Green Tea, Zelda, and Talladega Nights will brighten my day. :)