Friday, November 5, 2010

Heart Dissonance

I have absolutely no regrets. I made my decision, and I'm sticking to that.

It's a whole lot easier to be 100% real when I'm submerged head first in my comfort zone. Take me out of that, away from my friends, family, and girlfriend, and it's far more difficult then I first anticipated.

I forgot that being real comes with an inherent risk. People may not accept me, may not like me, and may not care.

But is it really a risk when I'm guaranteed to get something back? And doesn't being real always come with a reward? Even if all that reward entails is me feeling like I've been true to myself, isn't that enough?

I refuse to put those old masks back on. I know who I am, and I don't need anything else to define me. The only question I ask is this: have I changed?

The issue with seeing myself in the 1st person is that I've always done that. I don't see how I've changed. When people refer to me as "big guy" it takes me a second to register that I'm tall - I was never abnormally tall growing up and I'm really not used to people referring to me as so. 1st person does that - it mitigates my awareness of self-change so that even when I go through the most life-changing experience, I may not realize that anything about me has truly been altered until much later then the rest of the world.

Oh to be able to view myself in the 3rd person. I wish I could see how my mannerisms and speech have changed with a fresh pair of eyes.

But even if I could, do those mannerisms change anything about who I am? Am I the same person that I was when I first said "Peaceful, Free, and Stupendous" in the same sentence?

This is my heart dissonance.


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